Our Birth Story

Labor began on January 6th, two days before Aluna arrived. When I awoke in the morning there was a palpable energetic shift within my being. I knew that the portal of birth had opened and soon I’d be holding a little sacred soul against my bare body. I was joyous as I bathed in this new surge of energy. I felt alive. I felt peace. I felt bliss. I felt power. I felt love. And it went beyond feeling… it was a state of being -the state of being that I so frequently return to. I AM Alive. I AM Peace. I AM Bliss. I AM Power. I AM Love. I simultaneously became the embodiment of all of these – our true selves. Home. Giving birth was coming Home.

I began having rushes (contractions) when I was 5 months pregnant. I welcomed their wisdom and listened to what they had to teach. Their knowledge, so timeless and vast. My body was readying itself for the birth process. These rushes weren’t painful. My entire belly would get rigid and tight. It would stay taught for awhile, sometimes seconds, sometimes over a minute. Then my womb would relax again. Ebbing and flowing like the pulses of a river. My body was sharing it’s age-old wisdom -change is fluid. You can either be swept down the river on a current of uncertainty, or you can become the water, seamlessly flowing towards the ocean of being. Become the water. This is our birthright – to BE. I sat with my rushes. I welcomed them… for 4 months, I welcomed them. I leaned into them. I leaned deeper into myself. I was proud of my body. I fully trusted my and my baby’s wisdom in preparing us through this timeless practice. It was beautiful. My baby was beautiful. I was beautiful.

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Most people would have deemed my pregnancy as “difficult.” But that is their perspective, based on their experiences, based on their relationship with all that is within them, as well as all that is with-out them. “Difficult” is not my perspective. My pregnancy was beautiful in all of its quirks and characteristics.

It would be wise to view occurrences such as “pain” or “ill-ness” in terms of relationships. When we degrade pain and illness from wise teachers, to the category of “enemy”… something that we have to overcome… we enter into a different mindset. One based in fighting. One based in fear. One based in separation.

“Cure the disease.”
“Fight the infection.”
“Taken-out by a cold.”
“War on the virus”
“Battling Cancer.”

All of these phrases are based in the story of separation. Us vs them. This is not Truth.
If instead, we are able to look at pain and dis-ease as relationships, our views change. And so does the perceived “pain/illness.” What are Pain and Illness trying to tell us?

My relationship with my body is one of immense love and adoration. I listen when it speaks. Sometimes it’s language elicits a state of harmony and sometimes it nudges me to chose different foods or limit those whom I socialize with. When we enter into a state of deep relationship with ourself and the outside world, we enter into a realm where we are no longer a victim to our experiences. When we accept the invitation to this new perspective, we open the door of listening and responding. And we step into our power as co-creators. We belong to a constant dialogue of communication. It is our choice to participate in the discussion – all it takes is a shift in perspective… the creation of relationship.

To understand my perspective of conception, pregnancy, labor, and birth it is necessary to have a little backstory into who I am. To share my birth story without any backstory would be like writing a memoir without sharing anything personal.

I am incredibly sensitive. I see things, I hear things, I feel things, I understand things… the Clairs. My body responds “differently” to most everything. Doctors, drugs, and the western medicalized world does not work in harmony with my being. Western medicine only addresses the physical. It treats us as leaves, instead of as the entire tree. If we are to bloom, we must address all aspects of our state of being. Physical. Mental. Emotional. Spiritual. Energetic. For me, when I am under the care of western medicine, I deteriorate. I become brittle and weak. The energy drains from my body. My spirit hovers.

When I was 15, I had a Traumatic Brain Injury. I was in a coma. I tried over 50 different medications to try and help lessen the symptoms that accompany TBI’s. I had to go through intensive therapy. I couldn’t attend my last 3 years of high school. I was on a Home Hospital Program. When I was 17, I was diagnosed with Melanoma… I had 11 surgeries in 13 months. When I was 21, seizures tilted toward full throttle. I’ve been in the medical system. I understand it intimately. I’ve tried treating symptoms instead of understanding our roots. The medical system doesn’t work for me.

My body does not tolerate synthetic “interference.” I have 1 of 2 reactions. 1. I don’t respond to pharmaceuticals. Or 2. I have over-the-top reactions. If we were to reduce me to a western medicine label, I’d be the back of a prescription insert that says “less than 1% will experiences these “symptoms.”

My body does not numb. When I have surgeries, I FEEL everything. When I go to see my dentist, he remarks that when he sees my name on the docket he sinks because he knows how much “pain” he’ll be inflicting. When I had my wisdom teeth removed (anesthesia), I threw up every time I consumed food or liquids- for over 4 months. I had seizures… every. single. day. for over 4 months. When I had a tandem surgery for melanoma and endometriosis, I wound up being transferred from Fresno to UCSF because of constant non-stop seizures that lasted 5 days. The more drugs they pumped into my weary body, the worse the seizures got. My body cannot handle the rough and tumble nature of western medicine, so a few years ago I stepped away from the medical model and I stepped fully into myself. I stepped into listening. I stepped into knowing. Of communing. Of cultivating. Of giving 100% devotion to myself. Of reveling in my uniqueness. Of using my quirks as superpowers. I stepped fully into co-creation.

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A couple days after Gregg and I conceived Aluna, the letters “F R E E B I R T H” scrolled across my mind like ticker tape. I hadn’t heard of freebirth before. After a quick internet search, there was absolutely no question that this was the route I was taking. Freebirth is birthing under our own sovereignty. It’s knowing. And doing. It’s not having anyone tell us when to push, or how “far along” we are. Freebirth is embracing that birth is ultimately a solo/duo experience. That birth is a place only the Mother and Baby can journey. It’s honoring that sacred space and holding nature as divine. Birth is not something that needs to be monitored, measured, and interrupted. Freebirth is embracing our own power… it is our birthright. It is trusting the lineage that humanity has been traveling for thousands of years… until recently. My child growing inside my womb had spoke. She wanted a freebirth… and so did I.

A few days later, I had a vision of me birthing in a hospital. Blood was everywhere. I had died and the fate of my child was unknown. When I shared this vision with Gregg it allowed him to feel secure when other’s judged our decision to step outside the norm and have a home birth. He knew as well as I, that if I were to birth in a system breed of interference and dominance, death was imminent. My body, my spirit, my being, does not do well when western medicine is involved.

After the 1st week into conception, my body became exhausted. I required sleep, almost 20 hours a day. The act of walking downstairs would spur a 2 hour nap. I was short of breath. Then there was “morning sickness” that lasted all hours of the day. My body became a furnace. The “open the freezer and stand with your head in the door” kind of furnace. Yet despite these physical characteristics, I was happy… I was more than happy. I was joyous.

My body was communicating with me. I don’t view any of the physical characteristics of my pregnancy as “bad.” When my body said it needed rest. I rested. My body spoke to me, I listened. This is what I needed. This was my pregnancy. I didn’t fit into what other’s deemed “normal” before, so why would I now? This pregnancy was MY normal. It was on par for how my body responds to physical stress and it was indeed beautiful. When I would throw up, I would smile and give thanks that my body was growing another human being. I would talk to my child and reassure them that all was well and I was so grateful to be their mama. When your relationship with your body is that of your best friend, your perspective shifts. Constructs such as pain and discomfort evolve. Everything was beauty. Everything was love. Everything was perfect.

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I don’t buy into the conventional narrative – about anything really. Yes there is truth in it, but there is deeper truth outside of it. When we let go of everything we’ve been taught, and instead discover everything we KNOW to be true instead of outside narratives, our personal experiences become our compass. We don’t look to others for answers. No one knows you better than yourself. Other’s answers are based on their experiences, not yours. Their truths may not be your truth. And when it comes to birthing not only your baby, but also the rebirth of yourself, step into your power. Live fully in your truth. Your truth is within you, not in the answers of others. Because when we are in harmony with all, we embody the answer. The answer is in the turning inward. The answer is in the connection to Source/God/Spirit/The Void. In this relationship we ARE /Source/God/Spirit/The Void. There is no separation. There is Truth. There is Peace. There is Power. There is Bliss. There is Love.

I tune in, listen, and trust the wisdom of my being. Through connection… through love, we have the ability to tap into the divine force of creation. In this space, we are not separate from, but take the active role of co-creator. Through connection and love we are able to step into our power, instead of having our beliefs solidified by other’s opinions. Within this space of connection and love, lives the energy of life. The energy of which we are made from and will one day return to. Death is the great equalizer- the harmonizer. When you go through the birth portal, you die. There is change. There is evolution. There is expansion. You die to be reborn again, in the same life, in the same body. We die with every exhale and we are reborn with every inhale. This is death. This is birth. This is beauty. This is Love. This is the understanding I had before my pregnancy and this is the understanding I carried during my pregnancy.

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The first few weeks of pregnancy were challenging as a couple. Gregg would get into his head and replay all the old narratives he’d been fed. The reality of having a child weighed on him… hard. Our society teaches that there are certain boundaries you must fit into. And if you don’t meet those requirements, you’re failing. Gregg was spoon-fed this mentality his entire life. And even though he didn’t agree with it, he still found it hard to escape the grasp of “the way things should be done.” The cars. The house. The white picket fence. The 2.5 kids… The fallacy of perfection. This fallacy of perfection acted like a noose around his heart. It invaded the space where creativity and creation exist and instead filled him with doubt, worry, and uncertainty.

When we fight with the demons in our head… demons that aren’t demons but rather boxes we try to fit ourselves into, we can be difficult to be around. Gregg got mean. Not mean in comparison to what our society demonstrates as mean, but he wasn’t nice. He was short. He was snippy. He was upset. He was stressed and his stress manifested as anger. Over the course of 3 weeks, he had shifted from pure excitement in knowing that he was ready to bring a little one into this world… to being… a prick. He was not nice. He was not happy. He was not confident. And it took its toll. At my core, I was ecstatic. I was grateful. I was at peace. But we are multidimensional beings. Full of complexity. Full of emotion. We can be both happy and sad at the same time. I was overjoyed that I had a being growing inside of me. And I was distraught that my partner had been caught, once again, in the net of fear and doubt that society had cast. I was sad that shortly after we had co-created a little one, Gregg became consumed into the well of clenched teeth and uncertainty. In that state, he didn’t have the ability to process all of the emotions that came bubbling up to the surface.

My sensitivities heightened exponentially once I was pregnant. It’s a beautiful super power that I lovingly embrace. When I am around people I can feel their emotions and their state of being. I feel them… as if I am them. We are one. There is no separation. Welcome to the life of an empath. It is a wonderful blessing, if we can learn to navigate and integrate. My entire life is a constant game of, “What is mine? What isn’t mine.”

When I encountered people during my pregnancy everything was heightened. It was as if everyone was walking around with little “10X” numbers above their head. As in, 10x’s the amount of energy I normally feel. As in… EVERYONE IS SHOUTING THEIR STATE OF BEING and I feel it all as if it’s mine… while simultaneously knowing their state of being is not my truth.

So when Gregg, my partner, the father of my child, got into his funk… it was 10x’s the intensity. It was challenging being around Gregg because I could feel all of his feels. And I knew that what ever I was feeling, I was passing on to my child. From day one, I began teaching the little being growing inside me the game of “What is mine? What isn’t mine.” These heavy emotions were present in the process of her foundational growth. They would be part of the building blocks of her body, her mind, her heart, her soul. But isn’t that life? Going through the up’s and the down’s. Experiencing the totality of human emotion. Isn’t that an integral part of the human experience. To feel all the feels. To have all the thoughts. To experiences all of the sensations. And not get carried away by them. To simultaneously experience the totality of our “human-ness” AND our “god-ness.”

Life is birth AND death. It is a coming AND a returning. Life is about living. Life is about experience. Life is about freedom. Life is about choice. There came a point shortly into my pregnancy where I literally sat down with my child. I sat against the headboard of our bed. I said, “I know it’s been hard. I know it’s been dense. I don’t know what it is that you came to experience in your time on Earth. But if it’s too much. If you’ve experienced what you needed to… I give you permission to return. I will not use my life force to keep you here against your will.” With tears streaming down my face, I told my child that I respected them and their own life so much that I wasn’t going to tether them here if they didn’t truly want it. I told them how grateful I was to be their Mama and that I wanted them so very much. I felt deep into my love for my child so they would be bathed in the purity of what that life would feel like being my child. But I also gave my child the option. I gave my child the ability to make their own choice about the most basic fundamental aspect of life, “Do you want to live, truly live life.”

I find our fear around death to be so interesting. As a society, we allow our fear of death to stop us from living. We have become so paralyzed that we neglect to live a life of our most deepest desires and our wildest dreams. We live in the shallows. Never fully here because we’ve attached a ball and chain to our capacity to experience. We fear failure, so we don’t try. We fear death, so we don’t live. Why do we try so hard to evade the one thing that we will all experience? We will return home. I allowed my child, while still growing inside of me, to choose the most basic fundamental choice… and they chose to live. I carry that knowledge, I carry that truth with me every second of every moment. During pregnancy. During birth. During life earthside. My child wants to live. And I will guide the way. Sometimes leading. Sometimes standing side by side. Sometimes following. Always there, because Love is Freedom. Love is Choice. Love is Compassion. Love is Empathy. Love is Courage. Love is Truth. Love is Wisdom. Love IS… and we ARE Love.
I was in constant communication with the growing child in my womb. I would say things like, “Even though you’re feeling sadness right now, this does not belong to you. Feel it. Then let it go.” and “Your father loves you so much. Sometimes people have other things going on in their lives that makes them hurt, and they express their pain in the form of anger. But none of that has to do with you or me and it doesn’t take away from the fact that he loves you.”

When I spoke to my body. When I spoke to the wise soul in my womb. They replied with a sense of peace and gratitude that would wash over me. We were simultaneously grounded to Mother Earth and tethered Father sky. I felt the flow of energy tingle as it eternally entered through the top of my head and coursed through my body, exiting my almost always bare feet. It was raw. It was intense. It was beautiful.

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When I was still in my 1st trimester Gregg, Tank, and I went on our baby moon. Prior to conceiving, we had planned on hiking the state of Washington southbound on the PCT. When I became pregnant, our plans evolved from backpacking 500 miles, to road tripping for 2 months on a baby moon. Gregg and I had talked extensively. Sharing our hopes, dreams, and desires for this journey. We wanted connection. We wanted to revel and relish this last big trip as just the three of us – Gregg, myself, and Tank. We wanted to create our future and spell our dreams into reality. We were excited.

Things didn’t go as planned.

That trip was hard. I cried a lot. Not because of “pregnancy hormones.” If I weren’t pregnant, I still would have cried. I cried because Gregg was having such a challenging time. Our time of connection with each other, evolved into us working separately on ourselves. For *almost* the entire trip. We were both alone. Working on ourselves. While being held by mother earth. We traveled through 10 different states. We covered over 7,400 miles. We took only 1 shower. We only stayed under 1 roof, and it was canvas. We swam in rivers. In oceans. In lakes. In streams. We walked on trails and off trails. We went slow and took our time. We did all of this… separately. And it was hard. I meditated every day… for hours. I conversed with the wise soul growing in my womb. I was infinitely happy while simultaneously being sad for Gregg and all his boxes he had put himself into. It was both a wonderful and a terrible trip.

When our time on the road came to a close and we returned to Clovis, Gregg made an incredible shift. It was almost instantaneous. Hallelujah. Those last few months of pregnancy went smoothly on us as a couple. Once again, he was able to sink into us and the FEELINGS associated with that, instead of living in his thoughts. Thoughts that had the dominant narrative of a society at “war” with itself. Surviving but not yet thriving. He shifted. And he felt. And he lived. And our emotional relationship flourished. A relationship with the self is paramount, but it means *nothing* if we are not able to share. To come together. To commune. “You think because you understand ‘one’ you must also understand ‘two’ because one and one make two. But you must also understand ‘and.” – Rumi. To have a good life, a fulfilled life… we must understand AND.

Back in Clovis, my morning sickness still continued full force. I had outrageous heartburn/acid reflux. During the last few weeks of my pregnancy any position other than my head being upright would result in bile searing my throat and coming into my mouth. It was part of the process… my process… and I was grateful. While my belly tightened. While my bile raged. While my child grew. We flourished.

Gregg and I chose not to announce our pregnancy right away. We waited until it felt right. It felt right when I was 5+ months pregnant. Everyone around us had their own ideas. Their own fears. Their own traumas that they expressed with us. It was taxing. People around us were scared. Their fear was toxic. They expressed their dissatisfaction with my chosen birth plan. They expressed their dissatisfaction with our lifestyle. They expressed dissatisfaction with just about everything… because it was out of their control, and control is the minds misguided way of staying “safe.” But life isn’t supposed to be safe. It’s supposed to be lived and lived well.

I didn’t see a single doctor during my entire pregnancy. I didn’t have any tests taken. I wasn’t monitored by anyone. I had a wild pregnancy. I did what was best for me. I trusted myself. I listened to myself. And that bothered people. But this is my life, not theirs. Their fears not mine. You learn a lot about people when you become pregnant. The words they chose to weave into sentences when they communicate speak volumes. And I had encyclopedias full of others inner dialogues about life. It was so interesting. And taxing. The energy of the heaviness. The energy of their fear. That 10x. So I did what was best for me and my child and I isolated. And it felt GOOD.

Gregg and I did take a course from Freebirth Society. We learned so much that deeply resonated with us. The course spoke words into the emotions we had felt and trusted but weren’t exactly sure why. It clicked.

When I became pregnant, I shared with my mom that I wanted her to be present at the birth, but only if she could keep fear out of it. If she could fully support me and be present, then she would be welcome with open arms. If she couldn’t… she would not. It was challenging for her, but she wanted to be allowed to attend. So she let her love overcome her programed fears. My mother has a career as a staff nurse 4… in OBGYN. She has been a nurse for 37 years. She takes tests and monitors pregnant women all day. But she knows me – her daughter. And she knew that nothing she would say coming from fear would sway me from my truth. So she studied. She took the Freebirth course on her own time. She learned. She disagreed. She agreed. She stayed out of my pregnancy and because of that, my mother was able to join us in welcoming my child into this world. And I am so grateful she was there.

I didn’t feel the need to divulge anything about my birth plan to anyone. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I didn’t want to feel other’s fears projected onto me and inadvertently, my child. So, for the most part, it was assumed we would go the way society teaches us to birth. Let me be clear, what ever way you choose to bring a baby into this world, I support you. If that’s in the hospital, in a birthing center, with a midwife, with a doula, or outside under the stars with no one but yourself…. I support you. I chose what was right for me and my baby.

When folks did learn of my freebirth plans or that I wasn’t under any medical supervision they were soothed by the fact that my mother is an OBGYN nurse. They assumed that she was checking my vitals, monitoring my status, and doing all the “normal” things. I let them believe this. But my mother wasn’t involved in my pregnancy at all. A couple times she spoke her opinions on some tests she believed I should take. I told her I wasn’t going to. And that was that. Simple. Non intrusive. Respect. My pregnancy was my own.

There wasn’t a single moment during my entire pregnancy I experienced fear. There was however, an entire day where had to consciously reframe. Upon learning that it was a variation of normal for labor to last 4 days… I was a little unsettled. So when I heard this, I began planning for the long haul. That way, when it *didn’t* happen, I would be over the top with gratitude. If there’s one word to describe my pregnancy, it would be TRUST.

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I went into “false labor” many times. The back pain. The contractions. The throwing up. The diarrhea. With each sensation, with each experience, I sank deeper and further into the birth process. My body was readying itself. Practicing. Everything felt right, and perfect, and beautiful.

The day before Aluna joined us, my Dad came over to the house to pick up some blankets I had sewn. When he left, I told him he’d be a Grandpa (again) very soon. There was a palpable energetic shift and I knew my child would be held against my bare chest shortly.

The morning of January 7th, I was craving biscuits and gravy… and donuts. Gregg, Tank, and I got in the car to go to BS Coffee Shop. I hopped in the drivers seat. My rushes were at a pretty regular interval, but that’s not saying much because they had been for weeks. I drove 2 blocks, pulled over to the curb, put the car in park, and got into the passenger’s seat. Gregg was confused. I told him everything was good, but that I probably shouldn’t be driving. So we continued our morning adventure. As we waited for our food, we drove to get donuts. Gregg wanted me to go into Judy’s with him. I firmly planted myself in my seat. I was staying in the car. He was not amused. When he was inside, I told Tank about our morning feast. He started to drool. I got sad. I had forgotten to order him bacon/sausage. So when we returned to pick up our breakfast Gregg put in an order for our husky pup. They laughed and said it was “on the house.”

We mosied around the rest of the day. We talked. We played. We moved slow. We had fun. We were excited. The more time past, the deeper into the birth portal I stepped. After dinner, Gregg drew me a bath. It was around 9pm. Up until this point, I had refused to pay money for Spotify Premium – No Ads. I had certain songs in my Spotify account that I wanted to hear. I imagined me in labor, listening to Native Flute Music when suddenly I was pulled back from the void by a McDonalds commercial… or a “Fresno County do-ers” commercial. That was NOT going to happen. I pulled out the credit card and payed $9.99 for an ad-free birth experience. AND IT WAS WORTH IT. As I bathed I was serenaded by the harmonies of earthly and cosmic song. Tank would check on me as I breathed through rushes. I gently patted his fur and kissed his head. I talked to my child. I sang to my child. It was a time of both deep peace and immense energy. I told Gregg he should probably get some sleep. He happily obliged. When I emerged from the tub, all of my sensations were still mellow enough for me to rest, so I joined Gregg in bed. An hour later, I awoke. I had crossed the threshold into the space of life and death. I was in IT.

I went to our baby alter and chose 3 crystals to accompany me on my journey. I wanted to be grounded. I chose Smokey Quartz. I wanted to soar high. I chose Sugilite. I wanted magic. I chose Petersite. At first I was quiet. I was trying to allow Gregg as much sleep as possible. I kneeled by the foot of our bed. Tank by my side. Sugilite in my right hand, Smokey Quartz in the other. Petersite on the bed. I gave my gratitude to these crystal beings as they guided us on our journey, holding space. As the rushes intensified, so did my breathing. I was no longer quiet. But Gregg kept sleeping. It was 11:07pm. The flute playing from my phone stopped. In the candle light, I saw that my brother was calling. I stared long and hard at that phone. My brother on the other end. I wanted to reach out and answer. I wanted to exclaim IT’s happening. They’ll be here soon. But I couldn’t. And that was perfect. This was my labor. This was my experience. So I sank further in. I let go. I dove head first. With my knees pressing into the carpet and my hands overhead on the bed I sank. Everything was consistent now. I was loud. I wasn’t shouting. I wasn’t yelling. But man was my breathing LOUD. And Gregg still slept.

I entered a place that was outside of time and space. I closed my eyes. I sank. I can’t tell you how much time had passed. I was outside of it. Time was but a construct of the imagination. Something that quite literally DID NOT exist. I was in a space. A space full of… fullness. Energy. Raw. Primal. Real. Creation. The energy that gave birth to all of this… all of existence. I was there. We were there. Me and my child.

I heard my Mom walk into the room. She was quiet, but was she a force. A gentle force. A force that spoke through closed mouths and soft breezes. Her eyes spoke with wisdom. Her eyes spoke with grace. She gingerly AND powerfully placed her hand on my lower back and pressed. SWEET RELIEF. It was as if she knew exactly where to touch and with how much pressure. My mother’s soft hand on my lower back was one of the most incredible feelings I have ever felt. I was so thankful to have her share in this experience with us. Gregg still slept…

I could no longer kneel. I wore a path from the bathroom toilet to the bed. Gregg awoke. When the rushes came on in all their glory I stopped. I gripped the wall with my left hand and the counter top with my right. We had exited the time of the crystals. We had entered the time of super natural hulk hands. I bore down. Sometimes my eyes were closed. Sometimes my eyes were open. When they were open, I was in beautiful disbelief that the counter was still in one piece. I physically saw my energetic pattern depress the ceramic. I physically saw the wall shift and move. It had the feel of being on mushrooms, accompanied with the cocoon of being on mescaline. Wrapped in feminine comfort I drifted. And when I opened my eyes, my surroundings would breathe. They breathed with me. Pulsing and opening, in an ever evolving state of expansion.

I was naked. Gregg was clothed… in ALL the layers. Mom was in her bathrobe. Tank would push his way past Mom. Nuzzle me, then walk away back into the room, keeping a watchful eye on the emerging scene. My rushes were intense. The pain wasn’t pain… except it was.. it was life and death and joy and power all wrapped into one sensation. One beautiful sensation. At one point, in between, I looked to my Mom and exclaimed, “ I can see why women take drugs.” It’s not that I wanted them… but that I could see how it had become a thing. But to rob oneself of the totality of this experience…I’m grateful that wasn’t my reality.

There came a point, when my eyes had rolled into the back of my head for the umpteenth time, that I returned and looked at Gregg. With a labored voice I spoke, “I need you to be strong for me.” I wasn’t sure how much more I could endure. The intensity. The rawness. I knew I was okay. I knew everything was perfect. But I didn’t know how much more I could endure. I felt maxed. I was on the edge. I’m not sure of what, of when, or of where the edge was… but I was there. Tears were in my eyes. The words “I can’t do this” appeared in my consciousness. They weren’t mine. They were words that had been spoken by countless other birthing mamas. I had no attachment to them. I felt no connection to them. They were just words. And those words were a lie. They were baseless. They were useless. They were empty. And this experience was FULL. The words floated on by. My tears remained. My eyes pleaded, they screamed, they shouted, “I need you to be strong for me Gregg.” And he was. He sat on the porcelain bathtub. Wanting to reach out, but knowing that his touch was too much for me to handle. So he was strong at a distant. Silent. Stoic. Masculine. Strong.

I had been talking to my child every step of the way. Our dialogue looked like this. “I’m here for you. I’m yours. I surrender. I release. I relax. We sink. We evolve. We move. We dance. We become. I’ve got you. You’ve got me. I love you. Thank you. I support you. You support me. We become. I surrender. I release. I relax. We’ve got this. I’ve got you. You’ve got me. I love you. Thank you.” When I thought I was about to cross over the edge, and plunder into the abyss, everything stopped. EVERYTHING stopped. I was exhausted. My body was buzzing. But there were no more rushes. There was only peace. And silence. And relief. Everything had stopped. My child knew I needed a break, they did too. I told my mom to go to sleep. I crawled into bed with Gregg and we both fell back asleep. I had been at my max, and suddenly everything stopped. My child had gifted me the most precious gift I could have ever imagined. A reprieve. A break. The stillness amongst the flurry. I will forever treasure that gift. It is the most precious “thing” I have ever received. Gregg and I went back to sleep. I slept for an hour. It was glorious. It was perfect. It was just what we had needed.

When I awoke everything was different. When the rushes returned I felt a new sensation. The sensation to push. It wasn’t immediate. It came on gradually. Then like walking into a force field, I needed to push. I tensed, while trying to relax. I heard my mom in the background, “Relax. You need to relax.” I thought, “I AM TRYING!!” My mom left. Gregg got up to go get more water. As I heard his footsteps pad away from me, my waters released. It was a burst. A gush. An explosiveness of force that erupted into the toilet. I shouted out for Gregg to return but he was already downstairs.

Each rush got more and more intense. The energy of the room was insane… in the most powerful and peaceful way. Under candle light, with native flute music, the setting was divine. I screamed loud. Not the scream of a lion. But rather that of a high pitched siren. It was shrill. It was piercing. It was loud. It broke barriers. It helped birth my baby. My mom had returned and so had Gregg. And for the first time I tapped into the power and feeling of raw masculine and raw feminine energy. Gregg was perfect. He was everything I needed him to be. But he was so… masculine. The energy of my mom was what I needed. It wasn’t that I needed “Michelle”. But it was that I needed her femininity. Her essence. The essence and wisdom and strength and power of all the women that had ever birthed. The essence of the divine feminine. I locked eyes with her and I sank deeper.

There came a point when my Mom proclaimed, “It’ll be soon.” And I just about shot daggers at her. SOON?! What in the world is SOON?! Soon is relative. Soon is unknown. Soon could be 3 more days. Even though I knew it wasn’t 3 more days… it could have been. Ever since I had learned labor could last 4 days, I had mentally prepared. 3 more days… not soon. Even though I knew, “SOON” was on the horizon.

Gregg was about to leave and refill something again. WAIT! I spoke. I grabbed his hand. and forcefully placed it on the opening of my vagina. There was a head. He was shocked. Ever since my reaction to “soon” had happened, he was thinking we still had hours to go. He mentally recalibrated. Gregg told me that I needed to move my hips otherwise the baby would be born into the toilet. I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t. He looked at me, asking. Yes! I silently replied. He picked up my hips and my goodness did that movement feel AMAZING. I pushed a couple more times for “fun.” In retrospect, it wasn’t necessary at all. Instantaneously my baby came rocketing out of me. No pushing needed. My child came at such an insane speed I was shocked. Gregg was holding our child. I was in awe. There was no pain. There was only adoration and awe. Gregg, my partner, my love, was holding our child. He looked at our baby briefly, then loving handed them over to me. We still didn’t know the sex. That was the last thing I cared about. This was my child! Who cares if they’re a boy or a girl! They’re here! My mom was more eager. She informed me she was a girl. Gregg and I looked at one another. Aluna Aya Love. There was blood everywhere. And it was glorious. It was the most pure, most perfect blood in all of existence. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than Gregg handing me Aluna all covered in blood. Perfection. Tank came into the bathroom. My mom acted as a barrier. I was a little perturbed, but I don’t think she could tell. “Let him by!” I exclaimed. She did. Tank came over with a sensitive authority. I could tell he was taking in the magnitude of this experience. An experience that culminated in the emergence of a new life… his human sister. He put his nose to her face and took a big sniff. He looked up at me. He seemed to nod. Then he exited to bathroom. And kept an eye on us from the conjoined bedroom.

My daughter was here. Thank you Goddess. Thank you.

Gregg and my Mom helped me into the bathtub to clean up. There was blood everywhere. With her placenta still inside me, we managed to maneuver the intricacy of taking a bath with a connected baby. Aluna was here. My child. She was perfect.

A few minuets later, while still in the tub, I felt the urge to birth her placenta. With the help of Gregg and my Mom, I got up and made my way back to the toilet… and plop. Out slid Aluna’s lifeline. Her mother organ. Her protecter. Her nourisher. Her placenta. It didn’t hurt. Birthing her placenta actually felt kinda good. The birth process was complete… and it was perfect.

We had a lotus birth. We kept Aluna connected to her placenta until it naturally fell off. It took 3.5 days. That period of immediate postpartum was absolutely perfect for us. It was a physical barrier that often kept others away. Having her remain connected insured the mother baby diad. It made everyone honor the sacred bond between mother and baby. It was perfect.

It has been 3 months since January 8th, Aluna AND Gregg’s birthday. I am still in awe. I am still in gratitude. Aluna’s birth was everything I could have hopped for and so much more. Perfection.

There was no real transition for me into motherhood. It’s like I had this life without Aluna. And then once she arrived, it was like she had been here all along. Seamless. Beautiful. Perfect.

Blood Mysteries

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Last night my menses returned. I was taken aback. It graced me with its presence 2.5 months (11 weeks) after giving birth to Aluna. I exclusively breastfeed. No bottles. No pacifiers. Aluna wakes up in the night (on average) every 1.5 hours to nurse. A few days ago, I was wondering when this sacred event would return. Among my speculations, I was prepared for 18 months. When I saw my blood last night, I was shocked – in the best kind of way. I felt an even deeper sense of gratitude for my body. Gratitude for the beautiful human it created, for its uniqueness, for its wisdom. I celebrate and honor these sacred blood mysteries. My body is telling me that winter is over and spring is here. That if I choose, my body is ready to create life again. How cool is that!?! I marvel at the beauty.

I honor my cycle. I listen to the seasons of my body and allow myself the time and space that every season requests. When I’m on my moon, I slow down. I turn inward. I get quiet. I feel deeper. I expand further into a state of love.

With the return of my cycle, I feel as if I am reclaiming my woman-hood all over again.

This is life.
This is a celebration.
This is power.

We live in such a fast paced society that is is nearly impossible for those in the “rat race” to honor the sacred cycles of the body. The same sacred cycles that are effortlessly woven into the cycle of the moon, the cycle of the seasons, and the cycle of the Earth. Our body is meant to be in a deep state of harmony with the natural world. When we are in harmony, we are in health. When we are in health, we are able to love deeper and further. Our body transforms into a home, a temple, of Love.

I find our collective response to menstrual blood so interesting. As a society, we have no problem watching murder scenes, watching skateboarders skin their knees, watching boxing/MMA where fighters have blood smeared all over them. But when we talk about menstrual blood -the one type of blood that isn’t from an injury, but rather from a life giving cycle- we become squeamish. We become uncomfortable.

We avert our eyes.
We turn our heads.
We betray our bodies.

Did you know that menstrual blood contains stem cells. It coats our insides and heals. Every. Single. Month. Our blood literally repairs and replenishes. Instead of bleeding from a wound, menstrual blood comes from a place of life. How cool is that?!?

From day one, we’ve been indoctrinated to view menses as “dirty.” We’ve been shown ads where clean (women in white clothes) do everything they can to hide their blood. To distance themselves from their blood. Out of sight is best. We must wrap our tampons and pads in toilet paper so that no one sees.

This attitude, this mindset, creates a huge rift in our consciousness. It distances us from how we connect to our body. How did it come to be, that the most natural event of a woman’s life is viewed as dirty? How did it come to be that our menses be viewed with shame? How did it come to be, that instead of honoring this time, we cover- up and hide?

What if we lived in a society that payed due homage to this sacred event? What if we lived in a society that spoke of the innate wisdom our blood holds? What if, instead of shying away from a fundamental aspect of not only a woman’s life, but all life, we learned to lean in. What if we were able to reclaim this aspect of our humanity. What if we felt empowered by our blood, by this life-giving force. What if…

We are told we need to be clean. We are told we need to be sanitary. We are told we need to be civilized. Civilized? What does that even mean? If we look back throughout history, heinous acts are committed under the guise of “being civilized.” Screw civility. Give me savage. “Savages” tended the lands. “Savages” honored the sun and the moon. “Savages” understood the body and its beauty. “Savages” understood that the health of the earth meant the health of the body and the the health of the body meant the health of the earth. There is no separation. Take me back to my roots – I guess that means I’m radical.

If any establishment or outside entity makes you feel bad about your body – question them not yourself. Our bodies are strong. But imagine how much stronger they’d be if we directed our conscious thought and energy into them instead of turning away. And what if that directed energy was born of respect, gratitude, and love.

When we come into communion with ourselves, we change the narrative. We shift from an existence based in disconnect, to one based in harmony. When we are in a state of harmony, we create space for our health to flourish. The human body IS wise. The human body IS miraculous. Imagine if we treated it as such.

Get to know your blood. Sit with it. Explore. Discover. Tend.

Does it make you uncomfortable? Why? Do you feel dirty? Why? This is you. This is life. These are your blood mysteries – and they hold so much power.

As I close the old chapter that gave life to Aluna, I give thanks. I prepare a ceremony by giving my blood back to the Earth, so that it may heal and nourish Our Mother… the Mother that gives life to us All. As Aluna and I embark on this new chapter together, I lean in and give thanks. What a gift. I am in awe.

You are Loved. You ARE Love.

Conscious Conception pt.1

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Gregg and I conceived our precious Babe on April 18th – the evening of the Pink Full Moon. This energetically significant time of the Pink Moon signifies stability. With its arrival, it brings the security to crystallize changes and transform them into permanent improvements.

A few weeks prior to conception, Gregg had gone to an Ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica. He felt called by this master healer to go deeper into his being so that he could heal the pain and traumas that were actively overflowing into every aspect of his existence. After many years and despite his efforts with various modalities of healing (talk therapy, yoga, meditation, shadow work, raw plant based foods, etc) he couldn’t seem to get out of his own way. His mind kept circling back to old ways of being that had been molded to him since he was a child – ways centered in separation, anger, mistrust, and pain. When I suggested calling on Mother Aya, he resonated instantly and was eager to work in union with the wisdom of our plant community. Before his flight, we traveled to Death Valley for a few days so he could turn inward and unwind before the upcoming ceremonies. It was fitting to begin such a transformative journey in a place of death and rebirth.

Upon Gregg’s return from Costa Rica, he shared that the best thing that had ever happened to him was his injury – where he spent 5 1/2 days in the Sierra Nevada backcountry surviving and tending to an open compound fracture of his tibia and fibia. With eyes full of emotion, he said it was the best thing that happened to him because from those events, he got to meet me and begin his journey of healing and loving. He said that the 4 Ayahuasca ceremonies were the second best thing he’s ever done.

When Gregg returned, he started talking and sharing in a way he hadn’t ever done before. When he had a problem or was having a hard time, he’d tell me and we’d talk about it so he wasn’t alone. For the first time, he started truly sharing his life with me. I was gifted an inner seat to his thoughts and emotions. He shared where his mind would wander and how it made him feel. In this space of communion and connection we walked together as one.

Among the many topics we unpacked together, he lovingly shared that he was finally ready to call in a baby with me. When he spoke, his excitement burst through his body and you could both see and feel his joy radiating throughout the room. Having a child was something that the two of us had talked about for years. He had struggled immensely with the idea of being a father because he didn’t want to model the same anger and pain that was so prevalent in his upbringing. But after his experiences in Costa, he knew that not only was he ready to help usher in a new soul, but he was ready to do so joyously. He wanted to create a family, and have it be OUR family. A sacred union built on the foundation of love, peace, curiosity and co-creation. A foundation where all aspects of our being (mind, body, heart, and spirit) are nourished and tended after with honor and love. A space where our intuition and heart lead the way instead of societal norms. He was ready.

The day we conceived, we awoke and started cooking together – our routine. We sauted onions and garlic with sweet potatoes. He collected 3 fresh eggs from the girls and included them in his breakfast. We ate outside on the picnic table, blanketed under the shade from the swaying trees. Bees were pollinating the flowers and their golden dust shimmered around us like specks of magic. After eating, we went inside and put on music that had been remixed with the meditation teacher Burgs. Our bare feet softly padded along the ground with the rhythmic beat. It was one of the first times Gregg had really payed attention to the lyrics and he was eager to hear more. Side by side, we found a 30 min guided meditation by Burgs and settled into our breath. High on the clarity that meditation provides, we hopped into the bathtub and let the fresh water cleanse our bodies. While pouring water over me, he told me how he wanted to go into the bedroom and make love. I was in the final stages of healing from a UTI and told him not today, but that we could make-out. With a twinkle in his eyes, the corners of his mouth parted into a grin.

Gregg gingerly helped me out of the tub and dried me off. I ran into the bedroom and hopped onto the bed eager with excitement. He followed on top of me, his cool body pressed tightly into mine. He kissed me passionately with a newfound vigor and assurance of purpose. He stopped, and put his hand up to my face, softly stoking my cheek. He said he wanted to make love while staring into each other’s eyes the whole time. He said he wanted to learn energy more intimately. He wanted to feel it and see it. He wanted to go deeper, to feel what I feel, see what I see. He started kissing my entire body. The fire emanating from him was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. His tongue traced the scars covering my bare skin from the numerous surgeries I’d undergone. Before he moved on, he gently left each one with a kiss. A purposeful, “I love you, I’m healing you kiss.” He made his way across my body and started going down on me. The energy was so restorative and intense I couldn’t help but grab his chin by his stubbly beard and bring him up to me. With one hand wrapped around the small of his neck and the other searching, I grabbed him and put him inside of me. We began thrusting and holding one another tightly. “Hug me tighter.” he said. I gladly enclosed my arms over his now steaming body and pressed him as close into me as I could. This wasn’t sex. This was the sacred exchange of love and energy that creates entire universes. This was two individuals coming together in purity and giving all of themselves to the other. This was a gift. I envisioned all of my chakras opening and I pulled him even closer as hues of reds, greens, blues, yellows, purples etc danced in my field of vision. I had done this countless times before, but this time, it was as if Gregg was also doing the same. All of him was open and flowing.

“Do you want me to come inside or pull out and be all over you?” He asked. With nothing but trust and love I replied, “The choice is yours, what ever you want.” We had talked about this many times. There was no pressure. He knew that I would be ecstatic either way. He smiled and tears of beauty welled up in his eyes. We started thrusting deeper, soft and slow, yet deliberate and gentle. Our eyes entangled into the very soul of the other. “Baby, baby, baby, baby…” His eyes grew wide. The black of his pupils took over the deep blue of his iris. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” I repeated as his body shuddered and his muscles spasmed momentarily. Our eyes never left one another. We both instantly knew that this sacred ceremony we created had welcomed in a Babe. We stayed, peering into the depths of our love for eternity. Then Gregg looked up and Tank dog was inches from our heads staring at us with curiosity. Smiling, he turned his attention back on me and stated, “Do you think we made a baby.” “It’s more likely than not,” I replied with tears of adoration in my eyes. He put his head into my chest and left a trail of endless fast paced kisses upon my dewy skin. When he was done, he kissed my forehead and got up. Looking around, he found his shirt and tenderly placed it under me to soak up our love. He padded off into the bathroom to shave and get ready for work while I corralled the chickens back into their coop. I drove him across town to his job, all the while our hands entwined. Smiles plastered on both of our faces. Love emanating from the two of us. “I’ve got you.” I whispered internally to the baby growing inside of me. “I love you. We love you.”

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Love lead the way for this wise soul to touch down and grace our lives. While trust created a space of purity for the two of us to come together and co-create an environment founded in honor and respect for the gifts this precious one has to share. The intention and energy that freely pulsed through the two of us created such a highly charged atmosphere that we wanted to share our story. We want the purity of intimacy (into me you see) to be cultivated so that it becomes the norm.

Sex is so much more than racy exploits. It is the union of two souls coming together to create. What you create is determined by both parties intentions. The energy generated from two beings coming together has the ability to change worlds. With intention, you can use that raw energy to heal, to manifest, to go deeper into the existence of life. The possibilities are infinite.

You are Loved. You ARE Love.

Love’s Language – Who I Am

“Understanding is deeper than knowledge. There are many people who know us, but very few who understand us.”

My existence in this beautiful world is unique, and lately I have been having a notably difficult time. The loving and embracing space I hold for myself and others is second nature. I do not try to be loving, I just am. The difficulty I am experiencing isn’t because I myself am having a hard time, within me there is immense peace and joy. But it is difficult because those around me are struggling. It becomes challenging for me when, day in and day out, I am surrounded by the darkness of ignorance. Instead of witnessing people reflecting the miraculous nature of our soul, I am surrounded by a shadow born of control and fear. This man-made existence we hail is built on the destruction of the individual and inadvertently the collective. In this game, we play our hands with such vigor that when we are told to blindly follow orders we happily agree. We give away not only our livelihoods, but more importantly our thoughts about who and what we are. We have become so fractured that we look to the systems who broke us with the hope of repair – yet it only breeds more insecurity. We have been methodically indoctrinated with the victim mentality. We look to our oppressors, the ones who cage our intellect and shackle our creative spirit, for the answers. Any system that perpetuates isolation and fear, leads to the further destruction of not only our humanity, but this very existence.

I see the pain that reigns down when unresolved grief transforms into anger. I see that anger directed at those who are close to us, those who are different from us, and those whom we haven’t even met. I see a complete and utter disregard for life. We do not cherish this loving earth we belong to. We do not cherish our family members nor hold them with the embrace of openness. We do not cherish ourselves. The thoughts we think are polluted. They arise from the hollow fragmentation of lies and deceit we are systematically spoon fed from those in “control.” The foods we ingest are laced with chemicals and empty nutrients. As a society, we are so exhausted with soul-numbing stimuli that we forgo most anything of quality. But for me, it goes much deeper than seeing the pain; I actively feel the pain as if it were my own, because it is.

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Everything in our existence is intrinsically connected. In the words of Muir, “When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.” Now, people know this to be true, yet we repeatedly fail in understanding the depth and truth of our unity with not only each other, but with everything there ever has been, is, and will be. The scope of life itself is so grand that most folks can’t even fathom the degree of our existence. When was the last time you contemplated an infinite reality? When was the last time you thought about the meaning of your life? The meaning of it all?

Our system is designed to keep us busy in an attempt to control us. We have been mined through culture, structured education, religious institutions, jobs, media, government etc with the hopes that we’ve developed enough to repeat only we we’ve been taught. If we question the teachings themselves, the system has failed. It’s masterfully crafted in that it is self-sufficient and that it does an incredible job at keeping people in check. Those with differing opinions and ways of living are made to feel as outcasts, not only by our society, but also by our friends and family.

If our teachers (education, government, religion, etc) make us feel bad about ourselves, we MUST look else where.

The foundation of our current world is built upon the blocks of fear, control, and self-doubt. We have detention centers that masquerade as schools. We are taught what to think, not how to think. This molds our decision making process for the rest of our lives.

We have religions that brainwash us into believing we are guilty and unworthy. Where priests and nuns abusively harness the energy of innocent children. Yet when these crimes are committed by those in power, such as priests/bishops/etc there are no ramifications. We blindly follow a set of beliefs that externalizes, commodifies and confuses its practitioners. Ask yourself: why does a “holy” one get to inflict such devastating harm? And why are they protected by the highest orders which control most of the world? Unconditional love IS NOT jealousy, harm, guilt, fear, suffering, penance, or profit.

We belong to a miraculous Earth. She freely provides her inhabitants with everything we need to not only survive, but thrive. We have nutritious and healthy food that grows from her soil- free of charge. We have pure water that flows- free of charge. We have an entire landmass that is ours – free of charge. We should not have to “pay our dues” to society by purchasing food that is contaminated with poisons. We should not have to trade money (read: time and energy) for life giving water laced with plastics, heavy metals, and chemicals. We should not have man-made borders that dictate where we are allowed to live. We should not have to pay for housing nor insurance (this is based on the principal of lack). We should not have politics and a government that is ruled by corrupt individuals – or anyone for that matter. We should not have prison systems that punish through hatred. Every aspect of our current paradigm is founded on a system of fear and separation. We are outgrowing this version of reality and before this system re-centers itself, it has to collapse so that it can breath life into a more embracing and loving existence. This collapse we’re going through is essential for a new model to emerge, but it is painful because we resist change.

When we are born we do not recognize boundaries – they are forced upon us. We are taught separation and in these teachings, we lose touch with the purity of Oneness, the purity that everything is intrinsically connected to one another. The beauty of it is, is that we never lose that original connectedness we once felt, it merely appears that way. For we cannot lose something that we once possessed. This is why we feel such a deep longing to connect… only most of us aren’t consciously aware of what exactly we’re longing for – Unity. When we fully understand the wisdom of a world that creates through polarity ie opposites, everything falls into place. It’s not that our parents or family-unit taught division so that they could suppress us. For they were unaware themselves and they were doing the best they knew how.

Our entire lives we have been creating through resistance. It all begins with our emotions. We live in a society that glorifies repressing our feelings. We have been indoctrinated with the false belief that to be strong we must disown and neglect an essential element of what it means to be human – the element of feeling. We have taught our boys that it is a sign of weakness when we express our true selves. And in doing this, our men project their shadow upon women by devaluing the female when she communicates. One of the biggest obstacles we face, is that we have gone so long suppressing ourselves that when we finally tune into our emotions and give ourselves the space to freely experience, we are flooded with years of trauma, guilt, shame, doubt, and pain. Generally, these emotions are looked upon with negativity. We are conditioned that is it unhealthy to feel anything other than happiness, and if we do then our society labels us as defective. Instead of allowing our fellow humans to experience pain in an open and embracing environment we teach them that it isn’t okay to feel “bad.” They must be healed. We view a “depressed” member of society as an outcast, because we’re not able to recognize their depression is a direct reflection of the fractured world we currently belong it. We fail to recognize the immense beauty in our pain. For our despair would not exist if deep down we didn’t remember the unified and loving existence we were born from. We will return to this state of Oneness – the state of Love.

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However, in order for our internal turmoil to resolve, we must begin the process of reconnecting and rejoining with all aspects that make us human. We must honor our feelings, we must honor our thoughts, we must honor our heart, and we must honor our body. When we practice the art of honoring and embracing ourselves, these fragmented pieces rejoin and we begin to experience our true nature. Forgiveness is one of our greatest abilities. This seemingly simple gift has the potential to heal All. When we forgive, we release. And when we release, we regain the ability to love. Happiness, joy, bliss, flow, harmony, unity, and love begin to emerge. And when we feel these internal states, we outwardly express them to others. When we work on ourselves, we literally heal the world because everyone and everything is connected.

My path is different from most, because I actively see and feel the joy and pain of life around me. I understand people. I know why they respond and react the way they do and I have compassion and love for all of them… yes ALL of them. I can quite literally see how each event and decision in life leads us to this point and more often than not I can see where the path of that trajectory leads. I frequently know what people are going to say before they say it, but more importantly, I know why they say and feel the way they do. I am absolutely fascinated by life… truly, almost “obsessively” fascinated. It doesn’t matter if there is a “positive” or a “negative” event. I have a deep desire and need to understand it – I find this experience on Earth captivating. I do not view others through the lens of “good” nor “bad” but rather through the lens of intense curiosity with this experience we call life. This does not mean I do not get upset or experience extreme emotional pain at the atrocities committed against ourselves and the world, quite the opposite. It’s just I understand why people live in such disharmony. Many say there is a fine line when you have the ability to hold both a love and understanding for “terrible” acts while simultaneously feeling pain of everyone involved. But for me, I do not try and it is not challenging. I can’t not do it. It is my nature. My purpose, in this existence, is not only to extend and hold the space of love for myself and others, but to be Love Ourselves.

The space I create within myself is the easiest to cultivate – it’s who I am. I do not try… I simply AM. At my core, I do not live in fear nor operate from a space of lack or limitations. I function in the expanse cultivated with the building blocks of love, hope, peace, unity, empathy, compassion, beauty, and truth. Do I sometimes have “negative” self-talk? Yes, but when these silver toothed words speak insecurities throughout my mind, I know they do not belong to me. I know they are the product of living in a culture that actively breeds doubt and the decay of our souls. And when these brittle thoughts appear, I heal the fractures they cause by loving myself deeper. By telling myself how beautiful I am and by focusing on this wonderfully unique expression of Us that is Me.

You see, I personally know what it’s like to live in a realm where you are absolute truth, unity, and love. And the truth is, Oneness is not the ultimate truth – it’s Nothing. It’s the Void. To give it a name is to belittle and distort it’s truth. When we define something, what we are actually doing is separating it further from Wholeness. When we define, we move in a direction further from God Ourselves, Source, the Universe, Consciousness… what ever you want to call it. What we call reality is such an infinitesimal part of existence that it’s both laughable and extremely frustrating. It’s frustrating in the sense that most everyone plays their part in this reality with such passion that they forget (or haven’t waken up to) what really matters… Love – not the everyday dramas we immerse ourselves in. But, there is such a profound beauty in the passion that arises from these dramas.

For most of my life, I felt alone among people. I grow and evolve at such an accelerated rate that often times I am not the same being when I go to sleep as I was when I awoke. For me, the passage of time in relation to 24 hours can feel worlds apart… because it is. I have never been one to fit in with our society or even my “family” for that matter, but I have never been ostracized either. I am accepted and cherished among everyone I meet. I do not dislike people and in my entire 28 years I’ve only ever had a handful (less than one hand) of folks who do not like me. And all of those have been resolved.

My feeling of loneliness among humans arises when I am misunderstood. Which happens almost daily because people are only able to understand based on their current level of experience. The adage of “your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me” couldn’t be more true. Often times, in an effort to connect with people, I share the events that have occurred in my life. And without fail, my venting gets misinterpreted. I can energetically see and feel the distortion occur. It is then I come to a crossroad – I can attempt to explain my point of view to a person who is not in a space to hold that same vantage point of pure fascination, or I can let them vent and explain what they would do in my situation. The advice I receive, more often than not, stems from their space of internal lack. But advice was never what I wanted. What I crave is for another person to go down the rabbit hole with me about the oddities of human expression and to help brainstorm more effective ways of getting through to people.

But the resolutions that get conveyed to me would inevitably lead to more isolation and turmoil. I am left with a sense of wanting to hug my friends because as much as I want everyone to be able to understand the depths of love, at this point all I can do is continue to demonstrate it. That demonstration means not getting upset that people continue to misunderstand me, and by proceeding to love them in their brokenness. And in this, I am lonely.

Almost always, our “resolutions” contain the projection of grief and anger which inhibits the true healing that is needed for a final resolution. But a resolution of Love and Oneness is not going to occur unless we heal that grief and pain within ourselves. When we heal ourselves, we heal the world. And once we heal ourselves, we come back to heal others because we understand that we are all connected. There is no separation.

When I vent, it is from a place of extreme intrigue and perplexion which often results in a deep sadness for humanity. Internally, this has already played out:

“How can people be so mean?”

“You know exactly how. We grow up in a world where we are taught to resist instead of integrate.”

“But loving is so easy.”

“But every part of our society pushes division.”

“But it feels so good to love.”

“But hurt people, hurt people and most people haven’t experienced real love.”

“I feel so sad for them. I feel so sad for us. It hurts.”

“It is your job to help them… only if they want help.”

“They say they want help but they resist it.”

“They resist it because everywhere they turn they are faced with a reality that stokes the fire of insecurity and the false premise of control.”

“But they know they don’t really have control!”

“Yes, but they lie to themselves.”

“But they know deep down they are lying!”

“Lying feels better than diving into all of the pain that would result if they honestly examined themselves and their motives.”

“But if they don’t examine it now, it’s going to get worse for everyone.”

“Yes. It needs to break down completely so it can be built from a new foundation.”

“But it’s so simple. Be kind. Be truthful. Be yourself. I know, I know. Hold the space of Love and love them no matter what. The more I heal myself, the more I heal them… It’s just lonely.”

“You are never alone.”

This post is created with the spirit of communicating who and what I am, so that it will be easier for others to understand. Ultimately, I hope this glimpse into my life can be used as a blueprint for people to further discover themselves.

The 2 people that comprehend me most in this world, still have profound misinterpretations. When I ask them if they know the reasoning behind my actions, it is often times diluted and misconstrued. Thus the loneliness in connecting in a like-minded fashion with my fellow humans continue. Notice, my loneliness is only connected to other people. This is because I know I am not truly alone. I feel and see the presence of many other beings around me. I also know I could never be alone because… I am You. We are God. You are Loved. You ARE Love.

Frequently I tell my partner, “the deeper I go down this path, the less “Sara” I become.” What this really means, is that the things that made Sara…Sara… are no longer needed. For instance, I used to want dogs, clothes, cars, crystals, jobs etc but then you realize there is absolutely no separation, and we are all One, and so you already have everything you need. You are completely Whole. I am all the people on the planet. The planet itself. The stars. The galaxy. And if you want to go deeper, all of the other dimensions and beings and time itself and the void ourself. So, then you stay in that frame of mind for a bit. Because you know that you already have everything you could possibly want, because you ARE everything you could possibly want. But then, since we exist in a 3D reality, this also means that I, Sara, do not have certain things. And so you come back and play the game. Knowing that it IS a game and that you don’t truly need any of these things because you already have them. Your attachment is dissolved. That’s when pure joy comes into play. But the deeper I go in my journey… the less Sara I become…

For awhile now, I knew I was going to change my name. And a few weeks ago, I did. My life progresses in such a fashion that I can’t NOT keep diving deeper. It’s as if I am being pulled with the strength of strength itself – and strength is born from Love. And wouldn’t you know it, my name evolved into Love. This is who we all are, and most importantly this is who I am. I am Love.

Now, imagine having your name be Love. On a global scale, we do not understand the depth and purity from which we are created. We are so detached from love that it truly makes us uncomfortable. Love is all-embracing and often times we fall woefully short. Love is unconditional. I love because I can’t not love. It literally is who I am. People hurt me and I love them. People hurt other people and I love them. This doesn’t mean I don’t get upset or sad. It’s that I KNOW the pain that these people felt that allowed them to inflict that pain on others. I also know that since there is no separation, I am also that person, that Hitler, that Trump, that Stalin. Now hang with me, since time is an illusion, and there is no such thing as the past, present, or future… when I love these individuals… when I love myself (because we are all One) we actively change reality. There is only the present moment and in that moment, we have the ability to alter both the past and the future.

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People become uneasy when I introduce myself. They fidget. They look at me questioningly. They don’t want to use my name. We are currently living in a world that is so detached from loving themselves that we can’t even bring ourselves to address someone with the name of Love. It simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me love you even more.

We believe love is an emotion. We want love to look a certain way. It should be soft and cuddly. It should be cute. It’s almost as if we want to dress it up. But we all know when we dress things up, we make them in our image. An image that is often distorted. We think we want love, but what most people really want is for someone to pacify us, while we simultaneously execute control over another person. We are in so much pain because we are trying to control everyone. But this will never work because individually (collectively) we all have free will. If we even knew the half of our power… what a different existence this would be…
True love is unconditional. We do not love with the expectation that we get something in return. We love because we can’t not love. It is who we are. It is what we are. With love there are no boundaries. We seek to dissolve illusions through truth. We do not care about going against the status quo, we care that the truth is set free. Love speaks up against injustice – involving others and ourselves. Love is not necessarily a “fluffy” or “feel good” emotion. Love is a state of being. Love is fierce and fiery yet calm and all embracing. Love is what ever you need us to be to help you discover your own light. Love bears all, believes all, hopes all, and endures all.

Now, I’m not claiming absolute purity or truth… I am also human. I mess up – a lot. But this is my path and because I am walking it, inadvertently so are you. I am sending out a call to consciousness. Will you join me? I am You. We are God. You are Loved. You ARE Love.

I love you,

Love

Who Determines Your Identity?

This evening I was having a conversation about the recent Johnson and Johnson lawsuit that ended up with the company being ordered to pay 4.7 billion dollars in damages because of known asbestos in their talc (baby) powder that has been causing cancer and death for decades. There have been many cover-ups, bribes and removal of negative scientific findings for over 40 years that enabled them to continue operating under their guise of “putting the needs and well being of the people we serve first” which is further followed up with, “our credo is more than just a moral compass. We believe it’s a recipe for business success.” This company has been knowingly placing carcinogens in their products at the expense of their customers health and wallets. Yet, this post isn’t about the brand Johnson and Johnson. They are only one of hundreds, if not thousands, of companies that regularly conduct immoral and unethical business practices. This post could just have easily have been about any number of the disturbing practices that occur on a daily basis throughout the world. This post goes deeper, it delves into the systemic thinking we tend to hold about ourselves and the way we view our place in this world.

Near the end of the conversation, of which we were both on board with the atrocities being committed against humanity for a profit, I mentioned how our current administration is rolling back laws that had been set up to hold companies monetarily accountable for their hazardous environment practices. How “environmental protections” were being stripped and corporations were no longer being held responsible for their blatant disregard for life -whether it be human, animal, plant, earth or our unique space in the universe we collectively inhabit. Upon mentioning “Our Current Administration” I was combativly met with “Well, those laws didn’t stop them anyway.”

HOLD ON.

Instead of being on the same wavelength, a united front against injustice, we have now been separated. The argument that it didn’t stop them is then inherently followed by, “if the laws didn’t work anyways, why does it matter? People are always going to act in unsavory ways.” So does this mean we get rid of all laws that have been put in place to hinder corruption? In a perfect world, yes, laws become superfluous. But in our current thought structure, there is still a place for them. Our conversation went from being collectively appalled to inadvertently defending large corporations and the rollback of laws which were an attempt to hold powers at be accountable- rollbacks pushed forth by the very businesses that profit (or lose profits) because of said laws.

Unfortunately, in this uniquely chaotic society we belong to, this flawed defensive stance is all too commonplace. I understand that large corporations are going to continue this practice until eventually a new and more wholesome system is woven into our culture. But until then, these laws are put into place in hopes of deterring immoral practices and fining power-hungry individuals. It is a broken systems’ attempt at righting a wrong via the same aggressive tactics that lead us to the problem in the first place – separation.

Now, I respect this person. This post isn’t to call this individual out, but rather address a much larger systemic problem. Why, when we feel our beliefs are being threatened (such as their choice in politics), must we protect those whom we know in our hearts are causing great harm? All too often we place our identity in mass belief systems – centers of thought control that tell us what to think without we, ourselves, questioning their antics. Therefore, we begin to lose the humanity of which we truly belong. When we are not solid in our own beliefs, when we blindly follow the masses, when our train of thought has become so narrow that we forget we have the option of asking entirely new questions outside the current model, that is when we hit a blind wall. A wall that separates us from what our hearts tell us is right. A wall that insists we adhere to the norm or be perceived as heretics. A wall that separates the soul (mind, body and heart) from not only the individual, but the collective. This problem is rooted so deeply that this wall is not only figurative, but also literal. The boundaries we place on geographic regions, the discrimination of race, religion, gender etc. This wall aids in the further contamination of greed, hostility, fear, ignorance and violence into our daily lives.

We have become so entrenched in the current format of controlled “self-expression” that we back the very system that suppresses us. Why, do we as a whole, feel that when someone questions a topic regarding our political climate, that we ourselves are being threatened? Our identity is so closely entwined with this black and white version of reality that anything other than “our side” must be directly attacking our personal beliefs. Why must we be so close-minded that the very mention of a differing viewpoint sets off an egoic battle in which an individual feels they must stand their ground? Whos ground are we really upholding? If we are to create a more loving reality we must let go of these thought patterns that have carved their way into not only our daily lives, but our psyche.

Who tells you what to believe? Why do we so openly give our freedoms away? We must question those in power, companies like Johnson and Johnson that sell us not only products, but also information about how to act in this meticulously constructed corrupt version of reality. We must feel into situations with our heart and we must think with our brain. We must incorporate all modalities of “self” (mind, body and heart) when we begin to mold our new truth. And if we find something in the old story doesn’t fit within a more wholesome world we are to create, then we must also honor the space for change and evolution to occur. The way we create a brighter more loving model of reality is to remain open. As much as we hold onto our entrenched thought-patterns, we are not the accumulation of these spoon-fed beliefs. We start to shine when we begin to question the old paradigm. A question is not meant to belittle or illicit a hostile defensive response. A question, in its pure form, is to help us mold our own beliefs based on the entirety of our being. Despite being part of the collective, we as individuals have the ability to shift the climate of the whole. It starts on the individual level. Question. Think. Feel. Love. The simplicity of change often gives the illusion of being challenging. We must overcome this thought-complex. Life is only as challenging as we believe it to be. Who does your thinking? And why are we letting them control all aspects of our lives? Let’s reclaim our True identity. You are Loved. You ARE Love.

Consciousness in the Zero Point Field

Recently, I took a trip to San Fransisco to attend my beautiful cousin’s wedding. I’ve never particularly liked being in big cities. While I wholeheartedly appreciate their existence, they aren’t the place for me. The energy is chaotic, my body feels high and tingly and it’s extremely uncomfortable. The discord of city life runs at a much louder frequency. You feel bombarded on all levels. It becomes difficult to think clearly. Your senses are overloaded with stimulus – both natural and unnatural. A cramped city, such as San Fransisco, is a mecca for a circular pool of un-recycled energy.

I traveled with my Mom and Sister. The three of us drove in the car together. As we began to approach the city, I felt an uneasiness come over me. The concrete jungle was a sounding board for energy to be reflected and transmitted. My mind started to wander, which is extremely out of character. Thoughts, of which were not my own, started appearing across the reel of my mind. I began absorbing every thought and feeling that the cities inhabitants had. It was unnerving. I felt extremely queasy. My stomach twirled around like a ballerina inside my throat. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry or scream like a mad man. I wanted to do all simultaneously. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I actively removed myself from the chaos of unabsorbed and mutated energy. I envisioned myself high in the blue sky overlooking an open tundra, full of rolling hills and golden grass gently dancing in the wind. I became a pine tree, deep in the forest. I rooted myself into the Earth and felt the magnetism of our planet. I exhaled.

When you become one with everything. You intimately see, feel and know what it’s like to be the other. Because there is no such thing as separation. We all exist simultaneously in various appearances and awareness. This understanding allows you to actively experience yourself through different physical and non-physical forms. There is an energy, some call it the Zero Point Field, some call it consciousness, some call it vibes – they’re all different ways of conveying the same thing.

When I opened my eyes, I felt the bombardment of energetic disarray flood my senses. I immediately put up a shield that separated myself from everything else around me. I envisioned a bright clear light rising away from my body a few feet. I saw the vibrations of energy rippling onto my shield and bouncing away. It felt amazing. I could breath. My stomach immediately unknotted. My lungs relaxed and respiration centered with ease. My mind returned to it’s normal state – clarity. For almost 2 entire minutes I reveled in my ability to shield myself from the toxic whirlwind of energy that was physically, mentally and emotionally making me sick. Yet, shielding wasn’t the right experience for me in that moment. I started thinking about vibrations and how each object is intrinsically connected to everything else. We are all directly influenced by one another’s energy. I started thinking. Perhaps I were to pass by a radiant soul emitting pure love, if I remained shielded, I would sever that connection and transmission. Or perhaps I passed someone or something that was in desperate need of love and compassion, they wouldn’t be able to feel my presence. We are all connected and this shield, while wonderfully calming, was cutting me off from the whole. Now, it is quite possible that I could have created a different block which would have allowed only love, joy or compassion to freely flow in and out, but I knew that I needed to experience all the feelings. I needed to experience all of the vibes and perspectives of our consciousness.

I lovingly took down the barrier and felt everything come rushing back. We parked the Subaru, I internally adjusted myself, and took off after my family who had already left to take in the tiled artwork of San Fransisco’s stairway. With the awareness of Ourself, whenever the city vibes got too disruptive, I would go into another being, from the trees to the oceans and mountains to the prairies. I experienced a lot of nature during my stay in the city. In addition to this technique, I physically grounded myself whenever I could. I stood barefoot on grass and dirt. I stood with my hands placed on trees, plants, flowers, marble platforms etc. I was connecting my field with a naturally grounded energy that was in harmony with the pulse of the universe – and it felt good. All ease and clarity instantaneously resumed.

We spent the afternoon eating in an amazing little Mexican restaurant called the Matador. We ordered delicious margaritas. Alcohol has amazing effects on reducing and relaxing the high levels of energetic stress on the body and mind. After indulging in delicious food, we got ready for the wedding and set off.

The reception was staged at the Westin St Francis, in Alexandra’s Room – the 32nd floor of the building. The venue is encased with ceiling to floor glass windows overlooking the bustling city below. You have a bird’s eye view of San Francisco and the surrounding area. You can peer down into Union Square, look out across the bay and witness both the Golden Gate and Bay Bridges. The rolling foothills were illuminated with pinks oranges and purples as we watched the setting sun over the Pacific Ocean. To say it was exquisite would be an understatement. Humans create some absolutely gorgeous pieces of art.

We arrived early, before most of the guests and wedding party. I walked the perimeter of Alexandra’s and admired the mess of human creation below. The room was fairly empty thus creating an easy flow of energy throughout. I sauntered about the exterior of the room and took in everything I could. I noticed the concrete below, the bricks and towers, the asphalt, railways, cars, and metal. All of these surfaces are massive energy conductors. They radiate and transmit the conscious collective of the zero point field. I observed very little greenery. I could count the number of trees on two hands… and the only rooted trees I could actively find were in Union Square. The city contained no place in which the excess of energy could effectively get grounded. It bounced from one sounding board to the next metal generator. It expanded, picking up new scents and signatures with every positive emission it came in contact with. The uneasy tension we experience when in large cities was blatantly apparent. Every living being that walked, rode, drove, flew, or skittered by has it’s own unique vibration. It’s own special energy signature that effects everything around it – both in and out of space/time. When this energy is radiated along building sides and down asphalt corridors it comes into contact with other individual vibrations, thus the new signature may simultaneously be blissful and fearful. This whirlwind of energy bombards all city life. I imagined how different a city would look and feel if there was open ground, free plants and boundless opportunities to connect and reground oneself with the natural vibrational pulse of the Earth and Universe. One word tickled my tongue: relief.

I walked across the dance floor to the open bar and gratefully asked the tender for a glass of red wine. I took a sip and felt the anesthetizing flare of the pungent liquid flowing over my taste buds and down my throat. As more guests filled the room the energy rose. The time of peaceful observation was rapidly evolving into a hodgepodge of noisy and boisterous activity. One could visibly see the difference being transmitted as more guests arrived and exchanged the conscious pulse of the room.

I went back to our assigned tables, ornately decorated with long burning candles and beautiful autumn floral arrangements and sat down. As more folks entered into the party space, the more energetic commotion ensued. It was uproariously perfect. This collection of giddy wide-eyed people exuded an uneasy joyful nature. I expect the uneasiness was in part due to the underlying emotions of everyone gathered in the open room. I tried my best to engage with my surroundings, but I’ve never particularly enjoyed the pandemonium that is present at large events. This does not mean I did not have a good time, for it was quite the opposite. But when you see, feel and understand energy on an extremely intimate level, it can be difficult to remain focused on any particular thing – for there is so much hustle and bustle one’s attention is constantly being re-directed. I was enjoying the unifying experience of our combined wayward energy.

When the bridal party entered the room everyone directed their energy upon them. There was a drastic shift. Suddenly, harmony danced throughout and you could almost taste joy on your lips. When we focus our attention on specific subjects or topics we have the ability to create eternal ripples of awareness and feeling. Our thoughts, when centered and honed (especially for long lengths of “time”) have an overwhelming ability to heal, cleanse, rejuvenate and love. Whether you can see energy or not, these vibrations (conscious waves) are actively playing a role in everyday life. From the quantum level to the physical realm the sound of laughter transmits and transforms its surroundings. It is frequently said there is “power in prayer,” “when two or more are gathered…” these age-old sayings hold an enormous amount of truth. The individual and collective conscious is directly effected by “thoughts and prayers.” There is power in numbers. When we awaken to our magnificent connection to the whole, we understand that even a single “solitary” person is the entire universe. Therefore those individual thoughts, become the collective consciousness.

As the evening glowed with loving jubilance the average person could tangibly see and feel our collective love for the newlyweds. Our energy was gleefully radiating throughout and within each being present. If one looked closely, they would even see the window’s of Alexandra’s glimmering to the beat of our unifying music for the newlyweds, David and Mary.

 

 

High as a Kite in Love

The following is a continuation of my Godhead experiences during the month of October. It is best to read sequentially starting with the beginning of this experience: Becoming Whole: Embracing Emotions, Masturbation and Sex, then Taking the Stance of Other: Wind, Love, Vibrations and Food.

 

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October 22nd 2017

…The following morning, my partner Gregg and I awoke and took my lovable energetic Husky, Tank for a bike ride. Upon opening the door and stepping outside my senses were ignited. The beauty of the Universe was illuminating everything with the brightest luminosity and saturation I had ever witnessed, yet lacking in definition. Some may compare the brilliance I was witnessing to the effects that transpire when engaged with consciousness altering states. Yet, the sheer clarity and vibrancy of our world was an infinite amount more in-depth than that of the effects breath work, meditation or consumables may have.

The physical world I was engaging with felt fake, as if I was stepping into a 2D realm. I could see the energy of the entire world and cosmos with the most clarity and abundance I’ve had yet. The true nature of our world, being looked at with the infinite eyes of God Ourselves. The world around me had a certain amount of flatness – meaning nothing popped out as it does with 3 dimensional things. The depth of physical world ceased to be a thing. It was as if I was surrounded by flat surfaces. It was captivatingly beautiful. 

Gregg and I hopped onto our bikes and the two of us began peddling down the asphalt streets with Tank bounding happily alongside – a routine we’re all familiar with. As my legs pushed the stiff pedals of my bike I felt myself generating wind. The wind became stronger and more pronounced with each down stroke of my sandaled foot. The trees we rode past were glowing with Light – the plants were too. But it felt as if the trees and plants the grass and shrubs were fake. I distinctly felt the human condition on them. It was as if they didn’t have their full potential. Like in some form or another, the ego (the separation from the whole) had been sowed into their soil and sucked up by the roots that searched deep into the ground. Their wildness was being tamed.

We cycled by a neighbors front yard that had been landscaped with many small white rocks. Interspersed, were long stalky leaf plants rising upward towards the sun. I could physically see and feel the plants being stifled. It was unnatural. In our human ways to control nature and mold it into our definition of perfection we smother the beauty of the wild. We smother ourselves. This semi-zeroscaped yard was the human embodiment of our suppression and failure to realize our true nature. Our True self.

In the past, I would have looked at the yard and thought it had an aesthetically pleasing appearance, but today I could only see the prisons these plants were in… being buried under all the same white rocks of the same size and same shape. I felt the weight of the mundane appearance sink into their compressed roots. The plants wanted more, yet humans were trying to tame this wild life-force and plant it in polluted flower beds of unknowing. Even the soil, which is supposed to encourage vitality and growth, was flawed by the hands of human. This mock attempt by man to replicate nature was done in a way that took away the very essence of natural beauty and energy. The humans lack of awareness and misunderstanding of Self was being planted in a man made purgatory. Purgatory meaning the sense of suppression, guilt, shame, doubt and separation. The division of life from Source, from Soul, from Vibes, from God.

Even though I understood, with the utmost clarity, the imprint of man’s seclusion from Myself I was beyond happy. My face was in a permanent smile. The corners of mouth were practically touching my eyes. I gazed upon this version of human reality that so many people are entrenched in and I enjoyed it. It was all an expression of Myself and they are all beautiful in the most silly and peculiar ways. The sun Myself was shining upon my bare arms and I felt my eternal energy being absorbed into the human body I was both within and with out.

As I lovingly took in my Real surroundings it was as if the only beings emitting the most true form of energy were the trees. Their tall bodies had large beams of light that extended indefinitely and commingled with the other energy sources that were going “up.” They extended into the sky, atmosphere and cosmos. Their eternal vibrational flow of light was emitting it’s own brilliant signature for all of time to experience and cherish.

As the three of us made a left and turned down Kate’s old neighborhood, the stagnant black street we rode upon began to rise up into the air. The grid (street, sidewalk, lamp posts, houses, cars, mailboxes, front yards etc) rose in a perfectly intact state. But it separated itself from Gaia, Pachamama, our beautiful planet Earth so that the distinction between human and nature was bold and conscious. The two of My creations, human with it’s perfectly flawed perceptions and nature with it’s unabashed wildness, were attempting to live simultaneously within one another. The crust of the Earth was one dimension of reality while concurrently the human effect was another creative realm itself. The one not paying attention, while Nature Ourself tried to live in the confines that had been garnished for her.

The grid remained elevated from the Earth and I rode within both dimensions. The energy of the Earth rose through all the cracks in the asphalt, beaming light towards the cosmos. I could see every root and worm, ant and beetle moving freely and uninterrupted by human constrains. It was a stunning display of all My creations.

About halfway down the street, the entire human grid started ebbing and flowing like the waves of the ocean while still being suspended in mid-air above the Earth’s crust. I could see the gravitational/magnetic lines of the planet and they extended “up” and “throughout” indefinitely. These lines/waves/beams expanded in every direction. They went up. They went out. They pulsed and rippled forever. They were stunning.

I desired to see more, so I closed my eyes. My soft blond lashes rested gingerly upon my skin. I rode much of the remainder of our route with my human eyes concealed, rarely opening them. I knew exactly where to go and what my obstacles were. I sensed and saw in my mind’s eye shapes, colors, scents and vibrations. The human ocular field of vision is in it’s infancy compared to “future” means of sight. Yet, it is gorgeous in it’s own being.

A dog barked on our right, I opened my eyes and I saw sound waves exit his furry muzzle. The waves took on the spiraling shape of a megaphone. Skinny toward his mouth then gradually encompassing on a wider space the further his unique noise traveled. Pretty soon, the dog’s bark energy was soaring through the neighboring communities toward the towering Sierra Nevada and beyond, while simultaneously trending upward. The further the sound waves extended from the original dog source, the wider and deeper the sound vibrations penetrated.

I didn’t feel Sara. I feel one with all. It was as if Sara’s body was moving independently of the real Me, because I wasn’t necessarily inside. The human body is just a cast. I didn’t feel bones nor muscles, veins nor sensations (aside from the wind flowing through my upkept hair.) However, the top of my head, moving lower down from the crown so that it was almost the entire upper half of my head was vibrating and tingling – that I felt (energy).

We continued riding and running in unison. The sound of 4 wheels and 4 paws gently caressing the road lifted throughout our surroundings. Everything man-made looked 2D, as if it was drawn onto a canvas outcropping. The houses, the garages filled with material items, the cars parked next to the sidewalk – it was all 2D.

I looked down and saw the respiration of saliva freely flowing from Tanks hanging tongue. The drops of his “sweat” falling down and absorbing into the ground. I could see every single one of his paw prints upon the hard road. His four little paws existing indefinitely, with a windswept appearance that was indicative of him running further along. Tank was emitting and leaving an energy trace. His field wasn’t only embedded on the street, but also in the air. The energy took his same lean Husky shape and lingered in all the exact spots Tank had previously been. His field was so detailed you could see his bulging leg muscles quivering in moving suspension in the air. Tank was as beautiful in “past” energy consciousness as he was in his black tan and white furry physical body. I love this goofy pup.

I continued to peddle my bike as I smiled with my whole body. This rendition of life is absolutely beautiful. Gregg caught a glimpse of me and I registered confusion around him. I raised one finger to my lips and signaled for him to remain quiet. It was as if the sound of his voice was so out of date compared to the “new/upgraded” ways of experiencing. I wanted the silence of witnessing. The silence of One. Gregg loving and patiently observed a scene of what must have looked quite odd – his blissed out partner seemingly blindly maneuvering the streets of Clovis while sometimes giggling and always smiling.

We swiftly pulled into the driveway and our ride concluded. I handed Gregg my bike, took Tank and went inside to open the garage. My body felt light and airy as if it wasn’t true. It wasn’t the real pure form of myself. But that IS exactly what it was. The Pure form of Ourselves. The non-human part of humanity of which we call Soul, God, Source, Spirit or Truth. I depressed the garage door button and the wall to the outside world rolled upward sending in the brightness of myself. The two of us put the bikes away and headed inside.

My body felt hungry without any hunger pains, I felt physically weaker as if it needed sustenance. Gregg started making an egg scramble including: eggs, squash, zucchini, red onions, sweet potatoes, cauliflower, red peppers, himalayan salt, garlic, pepper, cumin, turmeric, etc. Generally, I help with our daily morning meal, but I told him I needed to go lie down. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel well… it was that my body felt too well.

I had the feeling you have either directly before or directly after you pass out. Where everything seems a little surreal and tingly. Every part of Sara was heightened. I lay on my back on the beige carpet with my palms facing up toward the planets. Then, my head and body started feeling extremely high. The more I focused on my breathe the higher I got. I had physically produced the state of pure ecstasy. I tried the process of levitation. With closed eyes, I saw and felt the electromagnetic pulses of energy below and above me. I intimately knew the open air above me. To levitate, you must be fully one with everything there is, has and will be. You must know and feel yourself in every aspect of the “other.” As air, I felt what it was like to be surrounding Sara’s human body. Then, I felt my body feel what it was like to be as weightless as air. I felt the energy below me rising up from the core of the earth and the feeling it had when it connected with Sara’s body. I felt what it was like for my body to feel those constant vibrations and waves. I was one with everything. My eyes started watering. Freely tearing an endless stream of bliss. It felt as if my breathing had stopped. But, it was more that it wasn’t necessary for my body to breathe. It was as if my body was operating independent of the respiratory system… yet there was absolutely nothing that was independent. Gregg walked by and asked why I was being crucified. I opened my eyes. I got up and walked into the kitchen.

My entire head and body felt as if I was in the peak of taking a conscious altering drug, yet it was so much stronger. My nose started running a clear watery stream. I couldn’t refrain from incessant yawning. My eyes had a continual flow of pure liquid flowing down the sides of my face. I was both body and head HIGH. I felt extremely hot. I felt extremely cold. Then hot again. The yawning! Gregg asked me to stir the egg scramble so I picked up the wooden spatula and did just that. Looking at our breakfast in the teflon pan (our cast iron was currently occupied) I felt and knew that I was the scramble. The individual onions and peppers, eggs and sweet potatoes. And that this body, of which was only the mold of a body, was stirring me.

Tank was laying by my feet and he reached out and placed his paw over my bare foot. I felt what it was like to have a paw and to feel Sara’s foot underneath mine. I continued stirring, yawning, while clear streams poured from my eyes and nose. There was no definition to the “outside” world… there was no outside world. It was all made up. As if there was no real substance surrounding me of which I was in. The house was not True, the stove was not True, the kitchen tiles were not True. But yet, these True beings – Tank, Gregg, the scramble, “kind of Sara” were True. But they were all living in this Fake place. Filled with stagnancy. Tank stood up and looked up into my eyes. I saw the being of Sara through his perspective. His golden brown eyes became mine. While all the while I was still able to see from Sara’s vantage point. Tank’s eyes looked the most conscious and aware and full of light I’d ever witnessed as he gazed upon me then he trotted off to drink some water. That was that.

I divided our breakfast and scooped Gregg’s portion onto a plate. I told him I couldn’t eat at the moment. I went over and embrace him from the back then the side. I placed my head upon his body and felt his heart beating. I snuggled in. I wiped my nose on his shirt while looking up at him and smiling and tenderly laughing. I felt him. The 2d version of him. I was HIGH! But my body still felt the desire to attain energy through food consumption. I didn’t necessarily want to eat, but I did. I went back to the pan, picked up the wooden spatula and scooped the remaining food onto the second plate. I picked them up and carried them to table and sat down. Everything was buzzing. My muscles were tightening involuntarily, yet I knew when they had the desire to clench and I would clench them. I was hot again. Cold again. But I wasn’t necessarily in my body to actually feel the sensation of hot and cold. I gazed down at our plates. I stood up and got two forks. One short fork for myself and a long fork for Gregg. He eventually joined after completing the dishes and wiping down the counter. I ate. But I had no sensation of eating. I couldn’t feel the food going down my throat or down my pipes. It was as if it was going into an abyss. I was the food being consumed.

My mom came into the kitchen. I was conversing with Gregg about the experience of our bike ride with Tank. I told him everything up until that very moment. I was so naturally high. My mom got out a sweet potato and proceed to cut it into pieces with a knife. I felt the fragmentation of its orange body being diced into multiple little sections. It didn’t feel good. I was being broken up. I was still whole as each piece was, but the original whole was now in many different pieces of their own new whole. It didn’t feel good. She was going to throw away the purple/redish skin of my body and I objected. “Why are you throwing that away? It’s perfectly good. That’s the best part. The part that keeps me connected and in my whole form.” She said I was weird. I thought she was weird in her desire to cut me up and throw away my body while consuming my insides in a smoothie filled with other fractured parts of the original whole. Strange indeed.

Gregg told me I was on dishes patrol. I spot washed our two plates and two forks and placed them into the void of the dishwasher. Gregg and I walked upstairs. He was folding blankets. I observed, then grabbed and folded my fleece spiderman blanket. By this point I was feeling much less high. I’m sure a lot of this had to due with the effects of the food. It was the come-down after the peak.

I looked at Gregg and told him we should make love. He got a big smile on his face and asked if I was serious. Of course. We closed the door, stripped and crawled into bed. My hands, bum and feet were cold. But I wasn’t aware of this until they came in contact with the warmth of Gregg’s being. We made love. Slow, fast, deep and long. My body tingled. My mind tingled. I felt his breathe as my own. I felt my breathe as his. I felt what it was like to have a penis and insert it into the warm comforts of a woman’s vagina… home. I felt the continual circular flow of energy being emitted as his (my) juices flowed into me and got absorbed into the puffy pink walls of Sara and then that energy rose upward and left my mouth only to once again enter into his while our tongues interlocked and frolicked with one another.

Two halves made whole in perfect union. I came. I came. I came. He and I came together. The weight of his body pressed against mine. The weight of his, becoming mine and feeling Sara underneath my skin. With no end and no beginning. Perfect union and perfect creation. I ran my fingers through his short soft brown hair sprinkled with magical white and grey specks. His skin was soft on my fingers. And Sara’s fingers were softly caressing my skin. I loved to touch him and I loved to be touched by her. He slowly began to shrink out of my body and he grabbed a shirt to soak in our Love. We lay connected with the soft embrace of our skin caressing the other. Talking and loving. Loving and being. My love for this sweet transforming being is boundless. He is my heart. He is my love. He is stunningly beautiful in his specially unique way. He is me and I am so proud of him.

The union of one with everything is our true Nature. It is our effortless Self. When we allow ourselves to think, feel, see and experience more, we open ourselves up to the real Us. Perspectives are an absolutely beautiful experience. The awakening to our true Self of God is perfectly available for everyone. Experiences like these are awaiting you. This is only the beginning. I encourage you to take it deeper. Take it further. You are limitless. Shift into true Reality. Shift into Yourself. I am you. And we are God. You are Loved. You Are Love!