Expanding into Non-Dual

Throughout my life, I’ve desired to share my unabridged thoughts and viewpoints with the world, but I refrained because I didn’t want people to lash out upon me. There are many reasons people may do this: fear, misunderstanding, it challenges their beliefs, the unknown may appear daunting and their evolution of consciousness hasn’t expanded yet, etc. However, I’ve been “in the point of no return” for many years and I feel the utmost necessity to divulge my experiences. The intricacies and elegance of the trajectory I am on deepen and expand at a pace that defies the common definitions of space and time.

My next few posts are going to be my direct experiences. They will not necessarily be published according to the order in which they occur. These are the highest truths from a perspective that is Sara. Although the deeper I rise, the less Sara I become… and I am absolutely IN LOVE with Our evolution.

I understand many of the topics I am going to be addressing may be a handful. I urge you to have an open mind. One’s ability to comprehend the universe within them is directly correlated to their capacity of openness. Ask yourself deeper questions. Discover the unknown. These are my calls to consciousness.

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I have a beloved friend whom frequently takes both roles of Student and Teacher. To my knowledge, he is the one human who understands me the fullest in this world. He is the first one I desire to share my experiences with. Among an infinite list, he is my sounding board and confidant. I am elated we sauntered into one-another’s lives 5 years ago. I am eternally grateful for the existence that is you.

The experience I’m about to describe happened almost 2 years ago. There have been MANY new experiences since then.

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Lucid dreaming is a state in which the dreamer is aware they are dreaming. There can be many different degrees of lucid dreaming. The event in which I am about to describe is, in my opinion, either a new level of lucidity or an entirely new realm which has evolved upon the dream state.  For lack of a new word which adequately describes my experience, I am going to remain with the term “lucid dreaming.”

Over the years of my numerically short life, I have intimately felt the powers of positive and negative. That is to say, forces that emit either a loving or turbulent energy. When I was a little girl, I would frequently feel the oppressive force of what some may deem the “supernatural” ie evil. I was brought up Catholic, thus my understanding was limited to God (Man in the sky), Heaven (ultimate life after death- perfection) and Hell (evil underground tomb where all things bad reside). My dreams would often reflect the positive and negative energies I felt but interpreted as heaven and hell.

About 2 years ago, I had a “lucid dream” where Good and Evil are at war. It was chaotic. It was set in space – as we interpret our solar system to appear. This was another realm where angels and demons exist. In this vast openess, I was witnessing the battle ensuing. Angels were being knocked down. Demons were falling. As I was watching, I needed to know more. I said, “I know there’s good and bad. I know this realm exists. But where is This realm originating from? What is the source that created this dimension?” I watched as all of the angels had a magnificent golden-yellow sheer BRIGHTNESS radiating outwards from their beings. I myself had the same energy field. The angles would never “fall” during the battle. When one got “wounded” the others energy field (for lack of a better word) would wrap itself around the “wounded angel” and they’d all pick “it” up. The angels are not gender specific. But rather more of a being presence that transcends human gender roles. I reached out and the greatness of our energies connected with one another thus creating one giant being instead of the individuals that were previously present. This is the moment I wondered about the source of this realm.

As soon as “my” question was conceived I was taken “up” to the source. God itself. There was no “good” and “bad.” This was Non Dual. It was the most incredible experience I had had thus far. It was absolute knowing, feeling and being. It was absolute truth. God appeared as this vast energy Source. More powerful than anything… ever. For years, I had intimately known about non-dual and the game we’ve all been enlisted to play. But I had yet to actually witness Source. There are no words to describe it… only feelings… which are much more powerful. The feeling was of complete ease and peace. The most pristine peace imaginable (or unimaginable). This was Perfection. My physical form ceased to exist. It was as if I was looking into a mirror at myself. A mirror which reflected creation. The creation of absolutely everything – words, paintings, thoughts, feelings, nature, civilizations, energy, positive, negative, EVERYTHING. I was God witnessing God.

When I “woke up,” although I was never really asleep in the normal sense, all I wanted was to talk to my dear friend. I often live in places with zero cell reception or internet so I had to wait. Since everything happens exactly as it should, this was fine. When I was finally able to call him and relay my most recent experience it felt wonderful being able to confide in another human who understands the process happening and didn’t think I was a complete kook.

I am fairly reserved with who I tell these experience too, seeing as how most people are completely unaware of the nature of creation and God Ourselves and therefore My experiences would inevitably be taken in a different manner based on others level of consciousness. But it’s becoming impossible not to share. To keep quiet is to deny and limit growth and expansion.

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“If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.” – Bukowski

For years now, I’ve conveyed to a few close friends how quickly “I” change. Most people are aware that you are different at 18 then at 25 and so on. But what I’m referring to is MUCH different. I can consciously feel myself changing drastically day to day and often hourly. Now, these are not always monumental changes. But as my awareness grows and I expand upon thoughts and ideas (often from witnessing how the earth/universe interacts with itself) I’m very much a different “person” when I go to sleep than when I woke up. I am married to the evolution of consciousness.

I’ve always desired to interact with others who are similar to myself. Others who live in Our Consciousness together. Compared to the general populace, so very few of us currently exist. People who intimately understand that we are all God and we are all the Same, yet beautifully unique in the human experiences we’re having. And still, the deeper up I explore, the less human (the less Sara) I become.

A couple weeks after my “lucid dream” I underwent (or “upper”went) a 14 day long-haul where I experienced everything from God’s perspective. It was as if I was looking down at the human experience I was having without actually being immersed IN the human experience. It was the most incredible thing. Yet, it was somewhat interesting because I didn’t feel the same emotions or connections that “Sara” would normally have. I had the acute awareness of being profoundly proud of everything I had created.

I would visually see “Sara” floating down the river (literally, I was zen boating/innertubing/white water rafting the Trinity River) yet I was radically in awe at the river I had created, the trees and shrubbery along the banks, the way the light of the sun interacted with the natural world. I felt a deep sense of pride for the intrinsic majesty of all my creation. I felt love and admiration for Sara as an individual. I felt all of me displaying itself in so many unique and perfect ways. I felt the many perspectives of my creations from the way water felt to have Sara atop, to the breeze blowing through the leaves, and the way sunlight felt when it warmed everything in my path. In all senses of the word, it was divine.

I, Sara, had to try with great concentration to actually experience the high-adrenaline nature of the events I engaged in. I had to focus with all my energy to actually have the human experience. Needless to say, I spent 99.99% of those 14 days from God’s (our) true perspective.

Over the past 2 years, my experiences have intensified, elongated, and transformed. Exciting events regularly occurred to the point where they’ve become my permanent state. The human understanding of Ultimate Truth, Source, Love or God is evolving. I frequently feel a ball of energy inside my chest that is so giddy with excitement I feel as if I may actually burst. I use this energy and send it to every living thing… ever. I am consciously raising vibrations. “Sara” is filled with infinite love. Everyone and Everything already has the ability. I’m excited to share in our experiences.

With infinite love and laughter,

“Sara”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Call to Consciousness

These are strange times we live in.

It is often challenging for me to be around people. Frequently, when I see humans interact, both non-verbally and verbally, I feel a deep sadness. This sadness is accompanied by a profound understanding that everything is happening exactly as it should. In the great plane of non-dual reality there is neither good nor bad. That is not to say good and evil do not exist, but merely there is another “step-up” in the succession of human consciousness which transcends “positive and negative.” Once this realization has been embraced, it is necessary to engage all rings of the ladder with the wisdom that you must let each level of consciousness play out it’s specific future.

This sadness I endure stems from watching and feeling my fellow humans remain in such chaos and despair. When I see folks interact with one-another in a manner anything less than pure love, I feel the weight of separation further fueling our divorce from one another, and thus their estrangement from the Whole. The Whole has many different names: God, Source, Spirit, Energy, Vibes, etc. We are all connected on a level that is rooted much deeper than family, race, religion and humanity… all of life is connected. Many people intellectually identify with this truth, yet there is a drastic difference in understanding these connections versus feeling them. This detachment from the Whole (from us as living entities) creates a distress which often radiates an energy of hostility. This in turn molds into many different forms, from the inability to relate and listen to one another’s opinions, to the outward expression of judgment and violence. People then try and force one another to “see” their reality – which is almost always skewed by the fallacy of individuality and ego. This is not to say that individuality and ego do not exist, merely once you understand the misinterpretation you can healthily re-create your life with these human tendencies.

More often than not, I am able to focus on the positive nature of this universe despite the many perils humanity causes themselves. Yet, this deep sadness is becoming ever more present in my life with the prevalence of global awareness via media capabilities. As humans, we are able to witness the gross human rights abuses taking place in all nations around the world. And still, my sadness goes deeper than the human abuses. I feel the same degree of heartache for our lack of compassion for animals and the environment which we grow from… the natural world. But to fix and expand our compassion it seems we must first practice the ability of love and empathy with things we identify with (in this case since we are humans – our fellow brothers and sisters).

I notice a monumental polarization taking place. The amount of turbulence radiating from opposing “groups” is reassuring. More often than not, change is met with a certain hesitancy and recoil. Yet, the objection and vacillation of change in relation to personal integrity is (currently) the most systematically prevalent way of accomplishing a paradigm shift. While I am not certain why change is frequently met with such opposition when most folks claim to be “open” and “enjoy learning new things,” I do acknowledge that this polarization and backlash has it’s rightful place in the present design of understanding.

However, this understanding does not lessen my sorrow. I see a red, white and blue nation at arms with one another over basic human rights. I see the people of Catalan being brutalized over the right to gain independence. I see homosexuals being bullied and brutalized over the most fundamental natural expression of love. I see natives and minorities being treated with hatred and disdain. I see the country I was born in denying aid to others and turning their back on folks in time of need. I see people in Palestine being murdered and having their basic human liberties revoked. I see people’s greed for unsubstantial myths (such as money) overriding the most vital call to action in protecting our planet from man-made devastation. I see many things which cause me immense anguish. But more importantly, I feel these atrocities being committed on ourselves.

Everything is connected. Our thoughts become reality. Our reality dictates the outside world we’re encompassed in. There are many different realities, all of which hold the same importance and truths for those experiencing them. It seems the most realistic way of moving forward in a world suffocating in desolation is for individuals to be open. Being open means listening to opposing viewpoints. However, it goes deeper than listening. If you truly want to listen, you must also understand. You must immerse yourselves in another view point so much so that you can identify with the contrasting idea. You can feel the way your rival feels. We are all teachers and we are all students. There is an infinite realm of education which we have the ability to learn as well as teach others – given they are open to listening.

Listen. Engage. Question. Understand. Feel. Change.

I can see many different paths. I can see many different outcomes. The more you change for the positive, the more you inadvertently encourage others to change through your vibrational frequencies. We are all connected.

It is often challenging for me to be around people. I find myself changing day to day and often hour to hour. Change is a necessary (and welcome) part of my evolution. I crave the connections which most cannot fathom. I crave conversations in which I don’t have to explain my perspective. I yearn for the day when we collectively raise our expanding consciousness and limitations dissolve. I anxiously await the awakening of this planet.

These are strange times we live in.

With love,

Sara

Meditation: Energy in our Society

 

I frequently have incredibly exciting life-events that take place in relation to my spirituality. There are very few people I feel comfortable sharing my accounts with. A few months ago, I had yet another very invigorating experience. I meditate (almost) every day. During this particular meditation I gave myself a front row seat to energy in our society and I feel compelled to share it with you.

The beginning of my meditations always begin the same. “I open myself to all the good and positive energies of the universe. I need your help. There is no such thing as separateness. I can spread more love with the talents and abilities of ALL than of a solitary entity. We are One. And as One, I ask you to use me and work through me to spread all the love, peace, joy, happiness, truth, courage, strength, and LOVE LOVE LOVE imaginable. I am open. Please use me for positivity and love. I cannot do this alone – because there is no such thing as singularity. We are one, just as we always have been.”

All of my meditations begin with the above request – “all energies centered in love and positivity use me, I am open.” My next step is very visual. I envision myself floating above our earth in outer-space. Goldish-Yellowish- very BRIGHT shimmers of light/energy spread from my floating body and encompass the entire world. I bathe absolutely everything with this energy. I go into every single person and “hug” their heart with love. I see my bright aura pulse and dance inside them as it radiates outward and continues to spread throughout not only Earth, but the entire universe. This is how my meditations begin. Every session takes its own path. And on this particular day, I was in for an extra special treat.

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Artwork: Cameron Gray

In normal (non meditation state) day to day living, I see and feel energies…I can see and feel the vibrations put off by all organisms. When walking by trees or plants I see their specific signatures as they all intertwine with everything around them. My energy dances and plays with the root systems, the birds, the leaves, the wind and water. All signatures overlap and weave in out and of each other. I feel their “feelings” and I am able to see how far their energetic fields reach. This is the life I see on a daily basis. This is a glimpse into my world.

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Artwork: Artist Unknown

But, while doing this particular meditation of sending and sharing pure true love with the entire world and universe, I was suddenly honed in to the flow and communication of energy. “I” was no longer above the earth in our universe. Nor was I reduced to pure light, which happens the deeper I take my meditation. This time I was Source. I was flawlessly all energy. Picture a nature movie on fast forward. You see vast savannahs, oceans, prairies, forests, and all living creatures moving past you at staggering speeds. Imagine root system everywhere and how they connect to one another. Imagine neuropathways transmitting signals through the brain. Imagine all the roots connecting and radiating their vitality. I got a front row seat watching how energy flows freely from all life. I was the energy. I was the roots and the trees, the wind and rain, the ocean and forests, and everywhere I went these roots or pathways connected one thing to another. Everything was interconnected and there was no separation. Now this in and of itself wasn’t  a rare session for me. I’ve had this type of experience quite a few times. But what happened next was different.

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Artwork: Artist Unknown

As I was flowing freely across the vast open natural world, the speed at which I was traveling slowed down at the outskirts of city life. The closer I got to the city itself the more my reach was concentrated. My energy didn’t flow freely through the land. It came to a halt. The root systems which I use to flow through were paved over with cement. Sidewalks and streets had taken over my ability to communicate freely with life. There was a barrier between us. People had unknowingly placed themselves in concrete prisons which made them unable to feel the unity and harmony that life genuinely has. They no longer had access to dirt, bugs, birds, clean water, wildflowers, wind… the wild beauty of life had been removed.There were trees placed in holes in the sidewalks but our energetic reach was suspended as they became detached from the natural world surrounding them. The people couldn’t feel me because they had quite literally lost touch with nature… they had lost touch with me. When people live in cities they are unable to feel the free nature of energy as it is intended.

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Artwork: Cameron Gray

When my meditation ended I was very excited. When I have these types of experiences I feel as if the ball of energy inside my chest will explode. I feel like I could bounce off walls. I feel like I can bounce through walls. I’ve known firsthand for many years that when people live in cities they cut themselves off from source, from nature, from me. It’s no mystery why people feel secluded and alone. When we live so much of our lives fractured from the purity and freedom of nature we begin to show signs. These feelings of separateness and isolation from the world will only continue to grow if people don’t embrace and reconnect with the natural and wild spaces we belong to. These spaces exist not only outside of us, but most importantly inside. We all belong. We are all one. This world we live in belongs to all living creatures. And despite human destruction of wilderness, we live together in harmony. There is an ebb and flow that constantly radiates like the ocean waves over all living things. There is an energy which lies in each of us, an energy that creates freely and flawlessly, and we are that energy.

We are all one. We are all connected. Get out and play in YOUR natural world.

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My buddy Graham Kelly @northbound_driftwood

 

I Am You

I have a secret I’m ready to share. The past has held it tightly. I knew one day the time to play would call for me to answer. I am more than what you see. More of you and more of me. The truth is that I SEE, I FEEL, I UNDERSTAND…more than anyone I’ve known or heard. The series of my life unfolds to cast a brilliant novel. The space I travel, the things I’ve witnessed…Divine we are entwined. I’ll tell my story, my Eye’s view of the universe that I experience. The change in me will always be a gem who’s not forgotten. I love this life, I love this path, I love to feel it all. The pain, the hurt, the cries,the dirt, the joy we do emit. My course in Divinity has been within, the true teachings I have taught. Because I am you and you are me and God is all I see.Together we are one for all from trees to mountain tops. Together we are sharing love along the river locks. I’ll share my life with you to see the freedom that awaits. I hope to wake the pulse within. Stop pounding other’s stakes. The further down this path I walk, the less I hold my stance. For Sara dear the time is here. I’ve let go, embraced it all. If losing me is what I’ll be, then found I have become. Now if you wish to dance and sing I’ll give my life to you. The silence has been broken. The tune is unity. I’ll share my visions. I’ll share my thoughts. I’ll share the universe within. I’ve jumped off the cliff and on the wings of trust I soar. There’s so much more… there’s so much more… 

God Within Us

The heart it yearns for things unseen, felt but near forgotten. If one day we, will only be the wealth that riches render. For in the new and old we choose to seek with eyes half open. We all possess the spirit’s mold cast into human flesh. It burns and churns to stir the Eye heavy with thoughts perturbed. Shake off the shackles who’s imaginary tethers hook deep into the psyche. The marks they leave will only bleed a blood whose thirst unyields. All around I sing and dance entwined I cannot lie. I flow and gleam and shout and scream the wind she carries all. For in the space of great embrace your sight will soon be marveled. To hear what’s near without the fear my song is always sung. The soul of all will never fall- alone is pure deception. I am you, wake up anew, and together two is one.

I Need Your Help! Please Share Widely!

I need your help. Please share widely! I’ve been listening to research podcasts related to Traumatic Brain Injury. I sustained a life altering TBI almost 11 years ago. Back then, nobody knew the significance of the symptoms I presented with. I was repeatedly told, “You just have to wait until more research is conducted. We know less than 5% of the human brain.” I believe that time is now. My life is STILL drastically impacted by my symptoms.

In 2012, after I finished my thru hike of the Pacific Crest Trail, I was on my death bed. I truly knew I was dying. I smelled like death. I looked like death. I embodied death. I emailed my Mom a complete list of my symptoms which I titled: “Symptoms AKA Dying.” My Mom desperately circulated my email to everyone she could think of in the medical community. I was sent to Dr. Pejman Cohan, a leading Neuro Endocrinologist. He put me on an experimental neuro-steriod (a form of Human Growth Hormone) which I self inject every day. Over time, my TBI symptoms decreased (I was no longer on death’s doorstep) but they have NEVER gone away and my life is 100% affected. I still have all of these symptoms, but with the new groundbreaking research being conducted I believe there are people out there who have the answers.

Doctors have always told me exercise is non-negotiable. I intimately know and feel the positive effects of exercise on my TBI. In 2014, I heavily researched leading scientists in TBI and sent out over 30 emails. Knowing the positivity of intense activity on TBI’ers, I offered myself up to science while I would thru hike the Continental Divide Trail (a 3,100 mile trail). I wanted to understand exactly what was going on under intense physical stress. If that meant being followed by a team of scientists, having my blood drawn, being tested in towns… I was all in and wanted to find answers. My email circulated far and wide (Japan, Germany, Etc). I got many replies, the majority expressing interest but having a lack of funding among other variables.

I am the most positive person I know. Even though my life is DRASTICALLY altered because of my symptoms I don’t let them define me or my crazy adventures. I laugh constantly, I dance, I sing, my positive mindset it bulletproof. I’ve hiked over 11,500 miles in 4 years among many other sever endurance activities. It’s incredible everything I’ve been able to accomplish in my depleted state of health. Just imagine what I can accomplish if felt good! I get giddy just thinking about it! In the past 11 years I have never physically felt well. I believe there’s enough research now to get me to that point.

Will you please widely share this?! I know there are folks out there with information on brain levels and their correlations to my symptoms. I would love to feel “normal.” I would love to feel “good.” I would love to be studied so I can help others who experience similar ailments. We can do this… TOGETHER!

Here’s the email of my symptoms I sent to my mom while on my death bed in 2012. I still present with ALL of these… ENJOY!

Text in Red is current. Text in black is the original letter sent in 2012

Stomach

  • Inability to keep down food
  • Not all the time now.. approximately every 3 days.. if not every day (for past 4 months) *While on the PCT I couldn’t keep food down and I still had over 1,000 miles to finish. I switched to a liquid diet because that was the only thing that would stay down. I would eat, get very nauseous, tell my stomach it was an iron wall, throw up, tell my body how proud I was of it getting me so far, tell myself I felt wonderful and then will myself onward to Canada. After finishing the trail this persisted for months. I met with Dr. Stan Hom whom tremendously helped and SLOWLY I was able to reintroduce solid foods through Juicing, supplements, and protein powders. He is a humble genius with a positivity and vibrancy that radiates!
  • “light headed” stomach
  • not my head.. just easiest way to describe
  • Nausea – Different from “light headed stomach”
  • Loss of appetite/ hardly ever hungry
  • When I do get hungry I’m STARVING
  • 3/10/17 The past 2 months (after having my wisdom teeth removed) I’ve had SEVERE stomach pain which leads to nausea and the inability to (sometimes) keep food down. I’m not hungry. The pain is so intense I fall to the ground rocking in “child’s pose” (this is the most comfortable position). 

Eyes

  • Double Vision
  • Blurry Vision
  • Inability to focus clearly on things
  • Sometimes my vision goes completely bonkers (the entire world shakes and moves… no matter how much i rub my eyes it still stays.) This IS NOT “spinning” this is everything shaking (my eyes HURT REALLY BAD when this happens too)
  • Pain behind my eyes
  • Extreme pressure in my eyes
  • Eyes just overall hurting
  • Shooting pains in my eyes
  • Grey floaters EVERYWHERE in FOV. I ALWAYS see floaters ~ 5-20
  • Bright flashing lights (as if I’m seeing stars without the lightheadedness) 
  • Occasional Blue flashing lights (also seeing stars sensation) 

Head

  • Get light headed easily
  • Loose balance VERY easily *This has gotten MUCH BETTER but when my head pain increases or I’m in “Seizure Mode” my balance is severely impacted
  • Fall into things often
  • Pressure in head (starts in middle and expands outwards)
  • Constant Headache (24/7) NEVER falters to leave ~ 6 on pain scale EVERY day
  • Sharp shooting pains like ice pick stabbing

Ears

  • Ringing in ears
  • Sharp stabbing pains in ears (feels just like its about to rupture) only lasts seconds then its gone (brings me to the ground)
  • complete loss of hearing (only lasts seconds)
  • “under water” muffled hearing (sometimes will last all day)

Mouth

  • metallic taste in mouth
  • sometimes will go completely numb (Not my tongue.. just my jaw and teeth etc and lasts days)

Chest

  • Tightness around my heart
  • Tightness in chest cavity
  • hurts to breath (feels better not to but I now to live I must so I take REALLY short breathes)
  • REALLY SHARP STABBING pains in chest (brings me to knees)
  • Very fast heart rate. Being a professional athlete, hiking ~20-50 per day It should be spectacular. When I jog, my HR can be upwards of 180BPM (you can powerwalk faster than my jogging pace)

Sex

  • During orgasm Loss of hearing (Complete loss) Can last up to 15 mins
  • During orgasm Loss of vision (complete loss) Can last up to 15 mins
  • still very high sex drive
  • Like to stop breathing (it just feels better) partner will realize this and remind me to breath…. still feels better not to though
  • shake for a long time after can last up to 15 mins
  • after orgasm I’m pretty much a basket case… I feel fine I just cant see or hear… I’ll ask my parter for his hand so i know im not alone

Brain

  • Inability to remember things aka Memory SUCKS *100% improvement since Omnitrope Injections YAY!!! My memory is REALLY GOOD!
  • Inability to stay focused for a long period of time. (need a lot of breaks if mentally tasking) * Mostly 100% improvement since Omnitrope Injections
  • Takes me a long time to “problem solve” *Mostly 100% improvement since Omnitrope Injections
  • Sometimes I go to retrieve info and itll be there other times it will be gone *Mostly 100% improvement since Omnitrope Injections
  • The possibility of going back to school is zero right now. There is no way I would be able to keep up w the tasks or work. I failed out of last semester and I tried the hardest of everyone. I studied my ass off. I met w my teachers in office hours all the time. I had note cards, note takers, recordings, color coding, everything… and I still failed out because I was unable to retain information. I’m a fucking straight A student… now I get F’s… and I try harder than anyone I know.. it’s just not in the cards for me anymore. I continue to deteriorate in this aspect of my health as well. *My brain words MUCH differently than it did Pre-TBI. My ability to problem solve, memory, focus, etc is almost back to where it used to be. With the exception of remembering certain types of information

Seizures

  • I start feeling “funny” – it feels like an excess of energy within me. Exactly like being in an electrical storms and the air is so hyper charged your hair stands at attention 
  • My right fingers start going numb and that progresses up my arm and into my jaw/face
  • metallic taste in mouth
  • double/blurry vision
  • I smell smoke (when it’s not there)
  • I feel very nauseous 
  • Inability to converse/ slur words/ cant talk
  • My feelings and emotions are hypersensitive
  • I don’t remember anything during these periods except my INTENSE feelings
  • Different types of seizures:
    • catatonic, just suddenly am not there accompanied with lots of drooling
    • Grand Mal, whole body violently shaking. Will fall off beds, couches, etc and uncontrollably repeatedly hit my head on the floor
    • NOT NORMAL SEIZURES! Can have 100’s in an episode which is why I call it “seizure mode.” Can last as long as 6 days. 
    • Had surgery in 2016, anesthesia induced seizures lasting 4-5 days, transported via ambulance to UCSF Neuro Unit for 3 days with no answers, transferred back to Fresno via ambulance still having unrelenting constant seizures. 

* It makes sense that this has gotten 100% worse in the past 2+ years. If my hormone, blood, etc levels have been out of whack 11 years and cell death keeps occurring it makes a lot of sense to me that full blown seizures would manifest as a direct correlation of my levels being off for so long 

Other

  • Jaundice
  • Always freezing *has gotten substantially better since Omnitrope Injections
  • Cold sweats
  • One hot hand one cold hand
  • SEVERELY swollen legs (from knees down) beginning within 30 mins of awakening
  • Phantom shooting pains all throughout body that last seconds then disappear
  • Joint pain (all joints ALWAYS hurt) *has gotten substantially better since Omnitrope Injections
  • Extreme Fatigue (ALWAYS tired) *has gotten a little better since Omnitrope Injections, need 10-12 hours of sleep per night or I’m completely wrecked and incapable of life and “pay for it” for days after. Sleep is NOT an option for me, naps are frequent
  • Muscle fatigue even when I don’t do anything or when I do to.. it doesn’t matter on my activity level *has gotten a little better since Omnitrope Injections
  • Hurt to the touch.. I don’t know I do hurt until someone touches me then it’s like I’m being stabbed when in reality its hardly ANY PRESSURE AT ALL
  • hiccups (about 20 sessions a day) only about 3-7 actual hiccups per set then they leave *Much more persistent and severe when doing physical activity
  • Yawning constantly
  • bruise easily
  • Takes FOREVER to heal *Will get horrendous cold sores that last 2+ weeks despite overdosing on the largest amount of Accyclovir in hopes of “kicking it’s ass” and having an endless supply of Abreva on it. Will 100% get a cold sore if out in the sun (with a hat on) for 10 mins or more without sunscreen (30SPF+) on my lips. THIS IS NOT NORMAL!
  • If anyone around me is sick I’ll pick it up and it will last a million times longer than theirs did
  • “seizure” activity. only happened about 10 times…. my entire body shakes uncontrollably.. i can hear and see but i dont want to respond. I normally do not i just let it take it’s course.. only time I have replied during an episode was when someone around me said they were going to air lift me out and call 911… I tried w everything i had and was able to tell them w conviction that i was fine and they better not call 911.. since ya know.. i hate doctors and it had happened before i know it would go away shortly after… always VERY tired and fall asleep after these episodes *had increased a million fold since 2014 and turned into full blown seizures with different types of seizing
  • Break out in hives all the time/itch like hell
  • Don’t numb for surgeries/ feel everything
  • History of Melanoma (skin cancer) had 11 surgeries in 13 months and quit surgeries because it was too much for me to take anymore *Resumed surgeries, still don’t numb, feel everything!
  • Left eye twitches
  • Entire face twitches too (different from eye)

I’m sure theres more… but that’s all that I can think of off the top of my head at the moment… things go wrong all the time but I’m so used to it that it has become my normal. I just wait for it to pass then attempt to carry on w what I was doing.

Only things proven to help

  • Being out in nature… Hiking aka backpacking.. the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.. despite being the sickest I’ve ever been in my entire life. My happiness was worth a million times more than feeling like shit.
  • Smoking weed helps for keeping down food and being able to eat and have an appetite (however I can’t stand the feeling of being High) I just like not throwing up
  • Drinking makes everything feel better. I don’t have to be drunk. Just a couple beers.. but everything stops yelling at me. My body feels better. Not completely.. just my senses are dull so in return I don’t hurt nearly as bad. My stomach feels better, so does my head.
  • I know smoking and drinking aren’t good for you so I try not to.. but sometimes I NEED to.. everyone deserves a break from feeling awful.
  • I started taking RSHO CBD Oil (Gold Label) late December 2016… I’ve been seizure free since 3 months! The longest stretch since 2014! YAY! 
  • I don’t drink nearly as often as I used to. It upsets my stomach WAY more than it used to!

MY THOUGHTS TO YOU

None of these things last all the time. Everything is random and intermittent. There is no

rhyme or reason. I could have sharp “ear rupturing pain” 15 times a day for 3 days then not again for a week.. then again for every day for 2 weeks. Everything is just random and intermittent.

I feel like shit. I forget what it is like to feel “normal”. I haven’t felt “healthy” since my Traumatic Brain Injury when I was 15. Everything has gotten worse. I continue to feel terrible. I stopped telling people all together because there has been nothing anyone can do. The doctors are stumped and have no idea what’s wrong w me or how to fix me. I’ve tried everything. I’ve been a lab rat. I’ve done more tests than should be allowed. All w no conclusion… other than they don’t know how to “fix” me. I can’t stand doctors. I’ve learned to hide how I feel. After feeling like death for so long there comes a point where you can either feel sorry or start living what little life you do have left… because in my honest opinion I am dying.

To be clear.. I am not depressed. I do not think this is a bad thing.. it simply is. I accepted a long time ago that I was going to die young. After the TBI and no “cure” for that then after getting skin cancer melanoma and having 11 surgeries in 13 months and not having the numbing agent work on me and being able to feel EVERY single slice during surgery just as if they didn’t give me a numbing agent at all.. I accepted that I was going to have a short life. I’m okay w that. I honestly am. I have a different view of death than most people. It happens to us all. So no matter what we feel like we still have to live.. and I mean really LIVE the life that we have while we have it regardless of the way that we feel. Life is very precious and it is a gift. I cannot stand by and let my “sickness” rule my life. If I want to do something I am going to do it. I will walk from Mexico to Canada on a broken foot… and all these symptoms.. switching over to completely a liquid diet so I can continue to keep hiking. Because this is probably the last chance I will ever have to do something like this. And I damn well am going to do it.. even if I die in the process. At least I will die doing something that I love… being somewhere I love… knowing that even through all this pain and extreme discomfort I got myself here. I am a fighter. I am not giving up.. but should anything happen out there that I would be okay w dying because I have experienced such an amazing thing.. and to be frank.. It would be such a relief to be out of the misery that I’m constantly in. I wouldn’t trade my experience for the world because they have made me the person that I am and I have been blessed w being able to help so many people out there.

But just to recap.. after feeling so unhealthy and just overall terrible health wise… with no relief and only getting worse.. I honestly believe I’m dying. I don’t know how long I have.. I could go tomorrow or live another few years.. but I do know that I have been blessed to live this long despite how I feel. I have no regrets. If I want to do something I’m going to because life is too precious to “do it later.” I want to travel and see the world while I still have the chance. I want to experience as much as I can, while I can. I WILL NOT sit in a hospital and be a lab rat any more. That has never proved to get me anywhere except provided more questions that the doctors do not have the answers to. Other than.. “maybe itll get better w time.” This is not true. I have only deteriorated health wise. However, my mental state has gotten much stronger. This life is what you make of it and I’m determined to live mine to the fullest. I am capable of doing what ever I set my mind to. I have already proven this by hiking 2668 miles from mexico to canada in some of the most rugged back-county in the US. In the physical state that I was in.. there was many and I mean MANY times where I thought I was going to die out there just because I was in such poor health. But I kept going because I had to prove to myself that I could finish this hike. Mind over matter. You can do anything you set your mind to. And I was set on finishing.

I am thankful to have been given the opportunity to experience so much already.

All in all I would love to be able to feel better. I would love to feel “healthy” again.. what ever that means. I would love to not feel sick. To keep food down. To not have a raging headache 24/7 for 6.5 years. To not hurt when I’m touched. To not have vision problems. To have my brain work normally (how it did Pre-TBI) To be able to smile and not be masking the pain. To be able to really tell people how I’m feeling. (I never can because it only makes people sad when they ask for the truth and the only thing you can report is that you feel like shit) No one wants to hear that over and over.. hoping that youll say something else then only feeling pity and sorry for you. I don’t want pity. I don’t want to be looked at like that. I just want to feel healthy.

All of this is wishful thinking. I do not think that there is anything that will work. I do not think that there is anything that will help. I’ve tried journals of symptoms and food logs and everything known to man.. no one has found anything to help. No one has found out what is wrong w me… and I have progressively gotten worse. I am not going to stand by idly and let my sickness consume what little life I have left. I am going to live…

If there is someone out there capable of finding out what’s wrong w me then that would be the most amazing thing ever.. but if there isn’t.. and there hasn’t been.. then I’m okay w that. I just want people to know that I AM OKAY. I will be okay. It just sucks feeling quite literally like death. But I refuse to let it dictate how I live the life that I have left.

I adore my life and how I’ve chosen to live. Even though I haven’t been able to have a normal job in over 11 years because of my poor health, I LOVE my life. I continue to be the most positive person I know. I dream BIG and often complete my crazy endeavors. I started a non-profit to GPS Map every trail in the High Sierra and provide all GPS Tracks, Elevation Profiles, and water sources free to the public. If I could, I wouldn’t change anything that has happened to me. It’s made me who I am and I am wholeheartedly in love with the life I lead, the people I’ve been able to touch, and the love and positivity I share with the world.I do believe there are scientists out there who have answers. I DO NOT like drugs. I don’t want to suppress the symptoms. I want to address the underlying problems and fix the source. I’ve accomplished amazing feats in my life. I’m a sponsored professional athlete who pushes her war-strewn body to the brink. I’m the biggest proponent of having a positive attitude. You CAN do anything you set your MIND to. Help me find the right people so I can feel GOOD. Please share! 

With love, laughter, and the happiest of trails,

Sara “BloodBank” Fry

Love… It’s That Simple

happiness-1-of-1-4

The collective future of humanity arises through the combination of our actions and non-action. As consciousness continues to rise, people will realize that humanity is a family, which can best thrive if it functions as one loving and compassionate whole, long before our individual “leaders” and governments. Ultimately, the future is always ours to mold, the power is always in the hands of the people, when we move as one with a shared vision and values, the world changes. YOU are Love. WE ARE LOVE!